One of the few drafts written when the head had given up thinking. Written during one of those times when there was no one but this webpage to share my thoughts with. It was put away for reasons I don't remember now. But its out now because the phase has passed and passed for good.
Back from the long 'no-blogging' phase. Theres loads to write about, to update all my blog-followers, if there are any!!
Constantly for the last 4 months I have been wanting to blog. But somehow my thoughts turn out to be too personal to be penned down. With emotions taking its toll it has been very difficult to pull my thoughts together and write down some piece that can be understood by all. I am sure a stable-state-of-mind is required to write a good piece. Lately, I have been suffering from a severe 'writers block'. I have brooded too long on the idea of whether I should write what I want to or should resort to the easy way out, succumb to loneliness, bottle up inside and let the moment pass.
I guess the writer in me wins. I let it win or else this virtual place is no good.
Until october 2007, I lived in two worlds. My world and the world that everyone warns you about. The reasons are quite apparent. I come from a very protected and straight forward middle-class family. I am strongly-rooted, very traditional, conservative yet very modern. Everything that I am used to seeing in my household is transparent, straight forward and simple. My dad is very basic in thoughts and so am I. We are used to that. But the problems began when I started to think that the whole world was like that; straight and simple.
Until an year back, I had the same thoughts. Isliye jabhi bhi kuch galat hua to I asked dad, "Aapne bataya kyun nahi ke sab hamare jaise nahi hain?" I cried silently and asked him why did he not warn me about all this? Why did he raise me up in such a protective environment? Dint he know what was waiting outside? Or he thought his daughter would never have had to go through any of it. He tells me I have seen too much at a very early age. Trust me dadda, its not pleasant. I have fought with ma pa everytime I have had to deal with some unpleasant situation. I have asked them a million times ke hum kya yeh sab karna aaye hain? Jo hamare paas hai uske peeche to saari duniya bhaagti hai, fir hum kyun use chodkar un cheezon ke peeche bhaag rahe hain jismein saari duniya fasi hui hai? Zaruri kya hai? Khushi? Woh to thi na.. jab hum sab saath mein the.
I think a drawback of todays generation is that we have a lot of virtual, bookish(these days e-bookish) knowledge, good enough to get us through inteliigent conversations, but it doesnt get us any far once we are in the situation. Reading in the books is different, experiencing it is totally different. There have been times when I have gone hoarse crying... when I have looked up at the ceiling and questioned that unknown power that how long is this gonna continue for? Like millions of others I have sobbed and weeped and asked 'why me?'
When I meet people who have vague ideas about whats happened to me, their questions surprise me, their coldness and ignorance numbs me with shock. People as close as cousins who are sarcastic, make faces and look at this situation as the right opportunities to tell me what they feel exactly about what happened. Its their opportunity to say 'serves you right'. And it leaves me wordless.
Everytime someone asked me to leave the house, I automatically compared the whole thinig to the way I was in my city. I always ask myself what have come here for? Studies? Then why am I not performing? Bitter encounters with people has made me so skeptical, its impossible to say whether I like anything completely or not. I dont feel a need to voice my opinions neither being judgemental about anything. I am just ok, my life is ok and I am glad as long as it remains that way. I never said I loved roller coster rides!!!
