So much for eccentricity

What do you do when you plan a trip and it goes awry? If you were me you would Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebbbbb and tell the whole world how useless the entire world is!!! And then when you are done venting you go out, shop for brown trousers, eat momos and sauted veggies drink some lemon daiquarri, vent out some more, go home, take the cousin out for getting mehendi doe on the hands, talk on the phone, tell some more people about the fiasco, make them laugh, return home, go online, play agony aunt to someone on facebook, skype with your best friend and cry your heart out about how the world is a cold ruthless place who does not understand the woes of a thirsty traveler/writer, watch 'How I met your mother', freak out, thank God, atleast Ted and Barney are eccentric, blog about it, fix a 4 meetings a week football session with a always-asking-for-pizza-treat pal and blog about that too!!!

An ode to Love

This poem is just what I could have used instead of words : PB Shelley's "To"

One word is too often profaned

For me to profane it;

One feeling too falsely disdained

For thee to disdain it;

One hope is too like despair

For prudence to smother;

And pity from thee more dear

Than that from another.

I can give not what men call love;

But wilt thou accept not

The worship the heart lifts above

And the heavens reject not, --

The desire of the moth for the star,

Of the night for the morrow,

The devotion to something afar

From the sphere of our sorrow?

Less of the real thing, more about the idea of it!!!

Relationships have always amused me and more often its people's perspectives about a particular feeling that gets me thinking. These days its love(or like??) between a man and a woman that has caught my attention. The context in which the word love is used has been transformed to such an extent, the intentions are so disguised its hard to tell whose looking for what.

There is so much ado about the priorities and ironically love has no place. Everyone is making plans for themselves, everyone is looking forward to a great career and love has taken a back seat full time. The irony comes when laws of attraction work despite the noise people make about 'no time for love'. Neither can they overlook it and nor does the mind let them surrender. So ways are worked out and things are carefully planned.

Planned! Love and planning... I guess so many thoughts have build up in my head, it had to peak and had to come out. And this is exactly what has been running through my head... infact much more..

Okhay... so you can't commit! You have your plans to make a great career, work is the only priority, love can wait sweetie... Yeah yeah... I have heard this more than I can remember. Tell me something new. Tell me something real, something believable.

But wait, how can you? Haven't you already blurred the lines between real and unreal? Haven't you already made sure you come across as fiercely independent, very focussed as long as work goes and extremely diplomatic when it comes to love. Don't you prefer partying and hanging out together to promising forevers? Don't you say 'love yous' too often and take great care not to add 'I's' to the phrase?

The hype that you create about love reminds me of milk powder ad commercials. Do you see real milk commercials? No na. The same is with love. Stop talking about it, start experiencing it!

How is it that you can go on flirting and flinch at the idea of spending the whole life together? Why do words like eternity and commitments send you running in the opposite directions? Do money, power and promotion have the same effect on you?

Do you realize the hypocrisy that is so much a part of you is not letting you experience the purest of the emotions? Do you know, perfectionism, that you are seeking, comes at a cost? And what freedom are you talking about huh? Do you leave home because your parents are strict? Why do you expect your girl friend to be so accommodating? Would you be as flexible as you would want her to be? You want everything that happens between normal couples, but you don't want to adjust like they do.

Why such ironies?

Emotions mein milavat!

Something as simple as a 'Do you love me?', would make my sense of reasoning work overtime and stop me from replying to that, even if I was dying to. Though its rare to come across people who say, feel, speak and express with honesty these day, even if I had comes across someone like that, I'm sure my left logic monkey head wouldn't have let me be.

People my age, plan and get into relationships. Don't need to go far away, I am a living example of that. I tried to plan love and relationships. I tried 'knowing him first and then decide if I was compatible with him.' But no, it doesn't work for me. I don't understand planning in the areas where heart is involved. I don't believe long distance relationships don't work because if that was true, kids wouldn't have stayed away from parents, spouse wouldn't have moved away to earn for their families. Love between a girl and a boy is as strong as love in any relationship. How can distances separate you from your loved ones? In trying to be like everyone else, I lost that individual belief but now I have concluded, my original beliefs were true. Distances or no distances, love remains if it really has to.

Either I can think or I can love. Both can never go hand in hand. And why should they? Are relationships like business deals? Crack hui to brilliant, nahi to koi nahi, aage badh jaayenge! I am any day comfortable in straight away committing to someone rather than being in two minds and taking chances.

* * *

Even today when mamma calls and coaxes me to try coming to USA, I give her reasons for why shouldn't I be doing that. I tell her, 'Mere career ka kya? What kind of direction do I give to my life? Yeah, I'll come to USA somehow, lekin uske baad kya?' And she understands and we change the topic. And this repeats every on every second call.

Career... at the cost of what? I have a great extended family, I have more freedom than most girls get to see or experience but I have to listen to my mum cry on every phone call. I have to listen to ma and Vini speak to me on the phone, see me on the webcam and imagine how or what they must be doing. When mum puts me on hold and talks to her or dadda, the whole scene materialises in front of me, right from what they would be wearing, how things must be placed in the house, where they all must be sitting to what they have cooked for dinner. I listen to ma make plans about coming to India, getting me married and then taking me away with her. Do I have any other option other than listening, imagining and assuming? I don't even get my daily doses of huggs, neither the kisses nor the pecks or cuddles!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even get to sit in dadda's lap, neither do I get to crack jokes with vini or gang up against ma!!!

If only I had a magic wand...

She cried despite the comfort of her dad's lap and strong arms. She wanted to break into a flurry but broke down instead. She was 5. She had been through this even last year. Her dad sang the lullabys longer than usual, wiped off the tears while she shamelessly cried and howled, cajoled her with her favourite candy floss, whispered promises into her ears until she dreamt and finally slept.

She loved the candles. They brought her hope and many warm memories. Every night she would light one and say a small prayer. The dad would wait patiently at her door, listening to the "prayer of wishes". Sometimes he would smile, sometimes just stare at her earnest face and sometimes pray along with her.

They had learnt to live or lets say they had to learn to live. One year without the lady of the house had not been enough for either to cope with the loss but he woke up to life and surrendered to practicality because he knew he had his daughter to take care of.

Every day of the last one year had been trying for him. He had two roles to perform. He had to wake her up in the morning and take her to the loo, help her brush, put her on the commode, help her with the routine, wait until she was done, fill her bath tub, undress her and let her play while he ran inside the kitchen to make their breakfast, run back to her, dry her, dress her up, feed her and wait with her until the school bus took her away, come back, eat in a hurry while trying to dress up and rushing into the busy office hours.

The evening were just as busy. He had to help her with the homework, answer her endless questions while he readied dinner for both, sing her lullabys, tip-toe out of her room to finally relax, undress and cosy up inside his bed, with thoughts of past and one lingering question: 'How could she manage it?'.

Only if he knew, only if he could find her, only if he could answer her little girl. He had tried hard to locate her and had failed miserably. He had slowly started believing that it was his fault why she wasn't with him anymore. He conjured up a million reasons why she had walked out on him. He had found comfort in condemning himself. Where else could the comfort come from? He knew he would never experience bliss again because bliss was with her. He knew he had a daughter to take care of and he couldn't afford another life, hopes, cries and misery. So he lived on, raising his li'l one with all the love and selflessness.

One year had gone by but not without realisation. It was days and months collated together by memories that were attached to every corner of the house, every place in the city, in pictures, in talks, in his daughter's eyes and laughter.

Today was her daughter's birthday and like last year she had waited for her mum to turn up and give her a surprise. Her innocent and anxious face gave one more reason to condemn himself. Afterall he was the one who had made her believe that mum was away, busy with work and would definitely come for her birthday. And like last year when she didn't turn up and his daughter demanded for her, he had no answers, just lots of random gifts in a hope to compensate for her mother's absence.

The daughter was stubborn. She bunked school and stayed home not wanting to miss meeting her mum in case she was away. Her dad missed office too and stayed back home to watch her wait. And when the evening came and her dad lit up the candles on the cake, she felt a load in the pit of her stomach, the unknown unexplicable feeling and the only way she could express was through anger and cries. He picked her up in his arms and sat himself on the rocking chair. He held her close while she weeped and complained. He recalled her last years birthday and prepared himself for this day for many more years to come. He somehow convinced her that mum would be here for her next but at the back of his mind an ambiguous 'for how long?' trailed off...