One of the few drafts written when the head had given up thinking. Written during one of those times when there was no one but this webpage to share my thoughts with. It was put away for reasons I don't remember now. But its out now because the phase has passed and passed for good.
Back from the long 'no-blogging' phase. Theres loads to write about, to update all my blog-followers, if there are any!!
Constantly for the last 4 months I have been wanting to blog. But somehow my thoughts turn out to be too personal to be penned down. With emotions taking its toll it has been very difficult to pull my thoughts together and write down some piece that can be understood by all. I am sure a stable-state-of-mind is required to write a good piece. Lately, I have been suffering from a severe 'writers block'. I have brooded too long on the idea of whether I should write what I want to or should resort to the easy way out, succumb to loneliness, bottle up inside and let the moment pass.
I guess the writer in me wins. I let it win or else this virtual place is no good.
Until october 2007, I lived in two worlds. My world and the world that everyone warns you about. The reasons are quite apparent. I come from a very protected and straight forward middle-class family. I am strongly-rooted, very traditional, conservative yet very modern. Everything that I am used to seeing in my household is transparent, straight forward and simple. My dad is very basic in thoughts and so am I. We are used to that. But the problems began when I started to think that the whole world was like that; straight and simple.
Until an year back, I had the same thoughts. Isliye jabhi bhi kuch galat hua to I asked dad, "Aapne bataya kyun nahi ke sab hamare jaise nahi hain?" I cried silently and asked him why did he not warn me about all this? Why did he raise me up in such a protective environment? Dint he know what was waiting outside? Or he thought his daughter would never have had to go through any of it. He tells me I have seen too much at a very early age. Trust me dadda, its not pleasant. I have fought with ma pa everytime I have had to deal with some unpleasant situation. I have asked them a million times ke hum kya yeh sab karna aaye hain? Jo hamare paas hai uske peeche to saari duniya bhaagti hai, fir hum kyun use chodkar un cheezon ke peeche bhaag rahe hain jismein saari duniya fasi hui hai? Zaruri kya hai? Khushi? Woh to thi na.. jab hum sab saath mein the.
I think a drawback of todays generation is that we have a lot of virtual, bookish(these days e-bookish) knowledge, good enough to get us through inteliigent conversations, but it doesnt get us any far once we are in the situation. Reading in the books is different, experiencing it is totally different. There have been times when I have gone hoarse crying... when I have looked up at the ceiling and questioned that unknown power that how long is this gonna continue for? Like millions of others I have sobbed and weeped and asked 'why me?'
When I meet people who have vague ideas about whats happened to me, their questions surprise me, their coldness and ignorance numbs me with shock. People as close as cousins who are sarcastic, make faces and look at this situation as the right opportunities to tell me what they feel exactly about what happened. Its their opportunity to say 'serves you right'. And it leaves me wordless.
Everytime someone asked me to leave the house, I automatically compared the whole thinig to the way I was in my city. I always ask myself what have come here for? Studies? Then why am I not performing? Bitter encounters with people has made me so skeptical, its impossible to say whether I like anything completely or not. I dont feel a need to voice my opinions neither being judgemental about anything. I am just ok, my life is ok and I am glad as long as it remains that way. I never said I loved roller coster rides!!!
11 comments:
Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place and it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't how hard you hit; it's about how hard you can get hit, and keep moving forward. How much you can take, and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done. Now, if you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth. But you gotta be willing to take the hit, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you are because of him, or her, or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain't you. You're better than that!
Thanks for the comment. But you mind revealing your name?
I think i am one of the many followers u have in this virtual world.waited for the posts till February but there was none.Now u have entered with bang.don't know what u have gone through and what r ur experiences but the way u expressed will touch anyone.the literary expressions u put r sweet and sour when they r translated into the meanings.well hope u are regaining your position.best of luck.that was nice to read
I have regained much more than just my better state of mind. And like the person above you who commented, it is all the result of the choices I have made. And I am proud of all of it.
Anyway thank you Ramesh. It is always a pleasure to read your comments.
i have been following your blog since the last 6-7 months or so and i have found your blogs to be just great,the way you express all the feelings in your heart,its just so real.One can literally see what you went through and can learn a lot from it.Infact i would say you are a far better writer than me and so i am not that capable of commenting on your blogs.but i agree with what ramesh said above,"you are back with a bang".i hope to read your blogs as frequently as i can.Best of luck.Take care.
Well,that was never meant to be a comment;its a reality check...keep your spirits high - "Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero"
Anonymous no 2 : Thanks for the comments. It will be fantastic to know who you are.
Anonymous no 1 : You seem the kind who believes in a lot of anonymous counseling. Much appreciated but reality checks without a need can seem too appalling. You need to refer to the blog once again. It says in bright red letters in the start that it is from the phase that is gone.
Nevertheless thank you for commenting like always. :)
well i am anonymous no 2..my name is nick
Thanks Nick. It is always good to know who I am thanking.
Bang on Cleopetra... i so much know what you mean... and i dont think I need to state my name... there are not many i believe in this world who would call you by the name of The Egyptian Queen...
what all sudden changes were there after OCT 2007 ?
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