Emotions mein milavat!

Something as simple as a 'Do you love me?', would make my sense of reasoning work overtime and stop me from replying to that, even if I was dying to. Though its rare to come across people who say, feel, speak and express with honesty these day, even if I had comes across someone like that, I'm sure my left logic monkey head wouldn't have let me be.

People my age, plan and get into relationships. Don't need to go far away, I am a living example of that. I tried to plan love and relationships. I tried 'knowing him first and then decide if I was compatible with him.' But no, it doesn't work for me. I don't understand planning in the areas where heart is involved. I don't believe long distance relationships don't work because if that was true, kids wouldn't have stayed away from parents, spouse wouldn't have moved away to earn for their families. Love between a girl and a boy is as strong as love in any relationship. How can distances separate you from your loved ones? In trying to be like everyone else, I lost that individual belief but now I have concluded, my original beliefs were true. Distances or no distances, love remains if it really has to.

Either I can think or I can love. Both can never go hand in hand. And why should they? Are relationships like business deals? Crack hui to brilliant, nahi to koi nahi, aage badh jaayenge! I am any day comfortable in straight away committing to someone rather than being in two minds and taking chances.

* * *

Even today when mamma calls and coaxes me to try coming to USA, I give her reasons for why shouldn't I be doing that. I tell her, 'Mere career ka kya? What kind of direction do I give to my life? Yeah, I'll come to USA somehow, lekin uske baad kya?' And she understands and we change the topic. And this repeats every on every second call.

Career... at the cost of what? I have a great extended family, I have more freedom than most girls get to see or experience but I have to listen to my mum cry on every phone call. I have to listen to ma and Vini speak to me on the phone, see me on the webcam and imagine how or what they must be doing. When mum puts me on hold and talks to her or dadda, the whole scene materialises in front of me, right from what they would be wearing, how things must be placed in the house, where they all must be sitting to what they have cooked for dinner. I listen to ma make plans about coming to India, getting me married and then taking me away with her. Do I have any other option other than listening, imagining and assuming? I don't even get my daily doses of huggs, neither the kisses nor the pecks or cuddles!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even get to sit in dadda's lap, neither do I get to crack jokes with vini or gang up against ma!!!

If only I had a magic wand...