Fataak part 1 :P

I landed at the ahmedabad airport, weary of my decision. Was arriving in the city on the day of her birthday too obvious a thing? One part of me wanted her to understand I was doing this for her and the other was extremely apprehensive of her reaction.

I picked my luggage and made way to the exit. While I waited for the company car to arrive, I dialed her number. After a few tring trings she picked up.

"Hello", she said.

My heart skipped a beat.

"Hi, happy birthday yaar."

"Thanks." came her casual reply.

After a pause I said, "I am back in the city. I was waiting at the airport for the taxi to arrive and the phone screen blinked, said it’s your birthday so I called you."

I crossed my fingers and prayed. Had my cooked up story given me away. I had not forgotten even for a single second that 1^st was her birthday.

“Oh good for me you called. Thanks so much for calling.”, she said ever so sweetly and made my heart go fisssssssssh!!!

“So what’s the plan for the big day.” I asked, hoping for a party invitation.

“Well it’s my 25^th and I’d decided it to be special so I organised a small party for my close pals outside the city. It’s this heritage resort near Baroda. Will be staying the night, return tomorrow.”, she said.

A lump dropped in the pit of my stomach. Did she stress the words “close pals” deliberately or had I imagined? Oh no, I was fornicating. And then a huge virtual club hit my backside. It was my alter ego sniggering at the miserable failure of my plan. “And you thought she was waiting for her prince charming to arrive. She gives a shit dude! Fool of the highest order. Such a fucktard!!” it said laughing its devilish laughter.

“Achha, listen.”, I heard her say.

"Yeah, yeah what?”, I said, recovering from the virtual whack session.

“I need to go now. Need to check the arrangements one more time.”

“Sure”, I said trying to sound indifferent yet polite, “have a blast.”

“ Lets meet tomorrow.”, I blurted out and this time a club hit the left of my forhead. "Idiot! no self-respect." growled the AE.

I glared at the other me until it disappeared into oblivion.

“Thanks and sure lets meet. I will call you.”

She hung up. And the car braked in front of my apartments. I grabbed my luggage and the book wrapped in pink foil. Carried both with a heavy heart and walked to the elevator. I was dis heartened. But not defeated. So what if we din't meet today. I over-estimated her. Maybe she needs telling. Nevermind, I'll meet her tomorrow and give her the gift. My spirits lifted, I had arrived home.

Tomorrow I said to myself, tomorrow...

One way to pick a future is to believe its inevitable

It doesn’t help much when you take all the trouble upon you and then choke because you run out of breath.

Peer pressure you say, but that’s a choice you made.

You lived through all these years doing things you dint love and longing for things you showed no courage to make happen. Who is to blame?

Kismet, you say. Choice, I repeat.

You have no friends to make you laugh, nobody to share or vent out in front of. You say life is a drag. I say, it could have been otherwise.

You don’t dine out, you don’t socialise. According to you everyone is flawed. Restaurants mean luxury. Luxury you say, you cannot afford.

But then you go and buy yourself a new phone, a new tv, Gucci glasses that cost you a fortune.

And while you try those Gucci’s you bicker about alu-pyaz ke bhaav. Ha ha... hell yeah ‘mehengai’!!

You look at other people’s progress and say, aah he must have been corrupt. I tell you, change your definitions of truth/lies. You silently disagree. And I think to myself..phew! there goes my all my gyaan.

You crib and then you meditate and then you get depressed and then wonder why meditation is not working. How will it honey? It’s not years spent in learning from books but experience that takes you forward. Haven’t you understood it yet?

You say you love photography, you love to travel. And you blame your work load that has not been letting you pursue any of these....

Really? In 3 decades you could never take out time to take a short trip somewhere and do a bit of both? But then, you are not even a millionaire.

Choice, again?

How many more proofs you want to make yourself believe that you are the result of your own choices. If you are not happy with what you are today, why don’t you choose differently. What is it that stops you? Laziness, fear, what? I know you have given yourself enough excuses to believe that this is your kismet. But its choices my friend and only that.

How much of a friend are you to me is as much a friend you will remain...

I could have looked for a better post title but this seems right for I have spent years and years being friends with a handful few and this friendships day I would only like to renew my vows of friendship with them.

We started as little girls, we grew up together and spent most part of the decade hardly knowing each other. And today when we have grown older, discovered things about each we might not be very happy to have found out, we still stick around because discovering itself is is so immaterial!

To my gang DAD, I love you guys.

And to every one else - Have a fantastic time reviving and reconciling with good old chuddy buddies!

A few days back I watched I hate Luv stories. Yesterday afternoon I watched "Confessions of a shop-o-holic" and yesterday night I watched Inception. Reactions after watching the movies are "Get me a barf bag!", "Ugh uh for the shop-o-holic and batting eye lashes for the investment banker" and "Bollywood cannot compete with these goras. Amazing script, beautiful story-telling and mind-boggling graphics!!!" respectively.

Would like to add a bit more of a review for Inception because it deserves more. For some strange reason, right now, the only way I can compliment the movie is by saying Bollywood is primitive, hardly original and mediocre at even making a copy!! With every such movie made in Hollywood, the bars have been set high, and its sometime before Indians can even begin conceiving such ideas. Ofcourse the Indian dance and song sequences have caught the attention of the westerner, but I wonder how long can songs hold someone's attention? Some great Indian film critic said somewhere that "Indians are still to understand cinema and the art of story-telling." I couldn't agree more.

Eve teasing

If I begin to tell you people what happened today, I am sure half wont believe me! But girls trust me, if ever you have been stalked/stared at or harassed by wanna be's on road/on bikes/in the car/or any moving vehicle, this trick can do wonders.

I am sure most of the girls have been followed by guys on bikes/cars/sometimes even trucks more than once! Our first instincts are mostly to slow down and let them drive ahead of us or drive faster than them so that they cant follow us. Today was one of the those days and the guys in question were two men in police uniform on a bike. After trying to avoid their gaze, I was convinced I would stop by a traffic police wala and complain about them. Being stared by civilians gets me kicking their butts, these were police constables!! How irresponsible and totally intolerable!!! I was deciding when to stop and deciding what to tell them or the traffic guy, they had already crossed the guy and I followed them. And thats when it struck me... why was I trying to run away from these gits! Why on earth should I be taking all the pain to not look ahead and drive, so I drove exactly behind them, eyes on the pillion rider and I followed them like their shadow.

The effect -

The pillion rider thought I would go away. So he kept looking behind to check where was I. I tailed there bike like a shadow, honked and shooed others away in between and made sure they were not out of sight. The evil grin vanished from the pillion riders face, the turning of head was replaced by hesitant glances and he even once touched his back of the shirts(like I do when I am conscious when someone's staring there).

The one who was riding the bike, adjusted the rear view mirror. He stared into the mirror, I stared into his face in the mirror. His laughter vanished, I guess my unscathed stare unarmed him too and even he stopped staring. Finally, finally after tailing them for almost 15 minutes, I took a turn and they kept driving. And as far as I can remember, neither of them turned to get a second look.

Chaumasa nu aagmann amdavad ma

Looks like that atleast.

Everything is perfect. Life's good.

Happy Monsoons guys! :)

So much for eccentricity

What do you do when you plan a trip and it goes awry? If you were me you would Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebbbbb and tell the whole world how useless the entire world is!!! And then when you are done venting you go out, shop for brown trousers, eat momos and sauted veggies drink some lemon daiquarri, vent out some more, go home, take the cousin out for getting mehendi doe on the hands, talk on the phone, tell some more people about the fiasco, make them laugh, return home, go online, play agony aunt to someone on facebook, skype with your best friend and cry your heart out about how the world is a cold ruthless place who does not understand the woes of a thirsty traveler/writer, watch 'How I met your mother', freak out, thank God, atleast Ted and Barney are eccentric, blog about it, fix a 4 meetings a week football session with a always-asking-for-pizza-treat pal and blog about that too!!!

An ode to Love

This poem is just what I could have used instead of words : PB Shelley's "To"

One word is too often profaned

For me to profane it;

One feeling too falsely disdained

For thee to disdain it;

One hope is too like despair

For prudence to smother;

And pity from thee more dear

Than that from another.

I can give not what men call love;

But wilt thou accept not

The worship the heart lifts above

And the heavens reject not, --

The desire of the moth for the star,

Of the night for the morrow,

The devotion to something afar

From the sphere of our sorrow?

Less of the real thing, more about the idea of it!!!

Relationships have always amused me and more often its people's perspectives about a particular feeling that gets me thinking. These days its love(or like??) between a man and a woman that has caught my attention. The context in which the word love is used has been transformed to such an extent, the intentions are so disguised its hard to tell whose looking for what.

There is so much ado about the priorities and ironically love has no place. Everyone is making plans for themselves, everyone is looking forward to a great career and love has taken a back seat full time. The irony comes when laws of attraction work despite the noise people make about 'no time for love'. Neither can they overlook it and nor does the mind let them surrender. So ways are worked out and things are carefully planned.

Planned! Love and planning... I guess so many thoughts have build up in my head, it had to peak and had to come out. And this is exactly what has been running through my head... infact much more..

Okhay... so you can't commit! You have your plans to make a great career, work is the only priority, love can wait sweetie... Yeah yeah... I have heard this more than I can remember. Tell me something new. Tell me something real, something believable.

But wait, how can you? Haven't you already blurred the lines between real and unreal? Haven't you already made sure you come across as fiercely independent, very focussed as long as work goes and extremely diplomatic when it comes to love. Don't you prefer partying and hanging out together to promising forevers? Don't you say 'love yous' too often and take great care not to add 'I's' to the phrase?

The hype that you create about love reminds me of milk powder ad commercials. Do you see real milk commercials? No na. The same is with love. Stop talking about it, start experiencing it!

How is it that you can go on flirting and flinch at the idea of spending the whole life together? Why do words like eternity and commitments send you running in the opposite directions? Do money, power and promotion have the same effect on you?

Do you realize the hypocrisy that is so much a part of you is not letting you experience the purest of the emotions? Do you know, perfectionism, that you are seeking, comes at a cost? And what freedom are you talking about huh? Do you leave home because your parents are strict? Why do you expect your girl friend to be so accommodating? Would you be as flexible as you would want her to be? You want everything that happens between normal couples, but you don't want to adjust like they do.

Why such ironies?

Emotions mein milavat!

Something as simple as a 'Do you love me?', would make my sense of reasoning work overtime and stop me from replying to that, even if I was dying to. Though its rare to come across people who say, feel, speak and express with honesty these day, even if I had comes across someone like that, I'm sure my left logic monkey head wouldn't have let me be.

People my age, plan and get into relationships. Don't need to go far away, I am a living example of that. I tried to plan love and relationships. I tried 'knowing him first and then decide if I was compatible with him.' But no, it doesn't work for me. I don't understand planning in the areas where heart is involved. I don't believe long distance relationships don't work because if that was true, kids wouldn't have stayed away from parents, spouse wouldn't have moved away to earn for their families. Love between a girl and a boy is as strong as love in any relationship. How can distances separate you from your loved ones? In trying to be like everyone else, I lost that individual belief but now I have concluded, my original beliefs were true. Distances or no distances, love remains if it really has to.

Either I can think or I can love. Both can never go hand in hand. And why should they? Are relationships like business deals? Crack hui to brilliant, nahi to koi nahi, aage badh jaayenge! I am any day comfortable in straight away committing to someone rather than being in two minds and taking chances.

* * *

Even today when mamma calls and coaxes me to try coming to USA, I give her reasons for why shouldn't I be doing that. I tell her, 'Mere career ka kya? What kind of direction do I give to my life? Yeah, I'll come to USA somehow, lekin uske baad kya?' And she understands and we change the topic. And this repeats every on every second call.

Career... at the cost of what? I have a great extended family, I have more freedom than most girls get to see or experience but I have to listen to my mum cry on every phone call. I have to listen to ma and Vini speak to me on the phone, see me on the webcam and imagine how or what they must be doing. When mum puts me on hold and talks to her or dadda, the whole scene materialises in front of me, right from what they would be wearing, how things must be placed in the house, where they all must be sitting to what they have cooked for dinner. I listen to ma make plans about coming to India, getting me married and then taking me away with her. Do I have any other option other than listening, imagining and assuming? I don't even get my daily doses of huggs, neither the kisses nor the pecks or cuddles!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even get to sit in dadda's lap, neither do I get to crack jokes with vini or gang up against ma!!!

If only I had a magic wand...

She cried despite the comfort of her dad's lap and strong arms. She wanted to break into a flurry but broke down instead. She was 5. She had been through this even last year. Her dad sang the lullabys longer than usual, wiped off the tears while she shamelessly cried and howled, cajoled her with her favourite candy floss, whispered promises into her ears until she dreamt and finally slept.

She loved the candles. They brought her hope and many warm memories. Every night she would light one and say a small prayer. The dad would wait patiently at her door, listening to the "prayer of wishes". Sometimes he would smile, sometimes just stare at her earnest face and sometimes pray along with her.

They had learnt to live or lets say they had to learn to live. One year without the lady of the house had not been enough for either to cope with the loss but he woke up to life and surrendered to practicality because he knew he had his daughter to take care of.

Every day of the last one year had been trying for him. He had two roles to perform. He had to wake her up in the morning and take her to the loo, help her brush, put her on the commode, help her with the routine, wait until she was done, fill her bath tub, undress her and let her play while he ran inside the kitchen to make their breakfast, run back to her, dry her, dress her up, feed her and wait with her until the school bus took her away, come back, eat in a hurry while trying to dress up and rushing into the busy office hours.

The evening were just as busy. He had to help her with the homework, answer her endless questions while he readied dinner for both, sing her lullabys, tip-toe out of her room to finally relax, undress and cosy up inside his bed, with thoughts of past and one lingering question: 'How could she manage it?'.

Only if he knew, only if he could find her, only if he could answer her little girl. He had tried hard to locate her and had failed miserably. He had slowly started believing that it was his fault why she wasn't with him anymore. He conjured up a million reasons why she had walked out on him. He had found comfort in condemning himself. Where else could the comfort come from? He knew he would never experience bliss again because bliss was with her. He knew he had a daughter to take care of and he couldn't afford another life, hopes, cries and misery. So he lived on, raising his li'l one with all the love and selflessness.

One year had gone by but not without realisation. It was days and months collated together by memories that were attached to every corner of the house, every place in the city, in pictures, in talks, in his daughter's eyes and laughter.

Today was her daughter's birthday and like last year she had waited for her mum to turn up and give her a surprise. Her innocent and anxious face gave one more reason to condemn himself. Afterall he was the one who had made her believe that mum was away, busy with work and would definitely come for her birthday. And like last year when she didn't turn up and his daughter demanded for her, he had no answers, just lots of random gifts in a hope to compensate for her mother's absence.

The daughter was stubborn. She bunked school and stayed home not wanting to miss meeting her mum in case she was away. Her dad missed office too and stayed back home to watch her wait. And when the evening came and her dad lit up the candles on the cake, she felt a load in the pit of her stomach, the unknown unexplicable feeling and the only way she could express was through anger and cries. He picked her up in his arms and sat himself on the rocking chair. He held her close while she weeped and complained. He recalled her last years birthday and prepared himself for this day for many more years to come. He somehow convinced her that mum would be here for her next but at the back of his mind an ambiguous 'for how long?' trailed off...