G and me

Always at some point of life we come across people, places or things which influence us deeply. Sadhana Mandir is one such place and G is one such MBO(mind body organism) in my life, thinking of who re-instates my faith in the existence of selfless human beings.

I dedicated a lot of time to myself undoing the old and making space for the new. I reckon getting rid of trash on a regular basis is a must. My experience at SM helped me do that. I once talked about Utility Chamber as a place where I could face things the way they were and let go of them. SM is better than that. Today when I close my eyes I can smell Sadhana Mandir, feel the tranquil surroundings, and listen to the gurgling of the Ganga outside the ashram.

When I learnt to meditate, I had a challenge gauging the effects of it. Possibly because I was trying to relax in an already serene and a pious environment (I am talking about the ashram I had learnt it at). But today when I go into Shavasan after a day’s work, I feel a wave of relaxation sweeping through and I recall G's words. He'd told me he was building in me strong tissue memories. The way they have been engraved in my mind, these tissue memories help me stay connected with what I hold in the highest light, the process of living in the world yet above it.

Yesterday when I sat down with dad to meditate and began de-conditioning, I re-did a lot of things. It was like the scene from Unfaithful where Connie (Diane Lane) thinks about the first time she meets Paul (Oliver Martinez) by chance and gets into this 'What-if I had not gone upstairs with him for coffee' mode. For me it was a conscious effort to undo all the entangled thoughts and surrender them to the Divine One.

G reconditioned me, transformed me and brought me closer to the Nidhi I once was, the Nidhi I had lost somewhere, the Nidhi that should be, the Nidhi that is. I cannot thank G for he won’t take that. I remember he believes in delayed gratifications. And that would happen only when I ‘build my life around Sadhana and not otherwise’.

Ha so ironical

Case 1 : Indians spend loads of money on overseas degrees... why? Because of the prestige a foreign university brings. Now if it was that good then why dont the locals study and get degrees from these universities? Why is it that most of them drop out from colleges or dont go to universities at all?

Whose stupid? Us, who spend lakhs and lakhs of rupees for studying overseas, yearning to get degrees from these 'prestigious universities' because of the credibility they have in our home countires or the people who have lived all their life here and have never considered getting 'professional degrees.' 

Case 2 : If long distance relations dont really work, then why spend so much on international calls talking to parents and friends?  The bonds with friends and families grow stronger once you go away from them and the relations with your companion(supposedly to-be) grows weak... 

Rather ironical comparing the importance of and the duration one is expected to stay with each of them... being with the companion the longest.!!!

Case 3 :  All the non-resident praja staying in foren land never wants to come back. 

Reason no 1 : There is noone to question their accountability. They are free to wear jeans and 'tisurt', their kids speak englisss with proper american accent and when they come back to India they leave no one from knowing that they are foreign returned!

The irony comes in when these desparately seek for their own replicas in foren lands claiming that is their only way to keeping in touch with the roots.

 

Venting out..

One of the few drafts written when the head had given up thinking. Written during one of those times when there was no one but this webpage to share my thoughts with. It was put away for reasons I don't remember now. But its out now because the phase has passed and passed for good.

Back from the long 'no-blogging' phase. Theres loads to write about, to update all my blog-followers, if there are any!!

Constantly for the last 4 months I have been wanting to blog. But somehow my thoughts turn out to be too personal to be penned down. With emotions taking its toll it has been very difficult to pull my thoughts together and write down some piece that can be understood by all. I am sure a stable-state-of-mind is required to write a good piece. Lately, I have been suffering from a severe 'writers block'. I have brooded too long on the idea of whether I should write what I want to or should resort to the easy way out, succumb to loneliness, bottle up inside and let the moment pass.

I guess the writer in me wins. I let it win or else this virtual place is no good.

Until october 2007, I lived in two worlds. My world and the world that everyone warns you about. The reasons are quite apparent. I come from a very protected and straight forward middle-class family. I am strongly-rooted, very traditional, conservative yet very modern. Everything that I am used to seeing in my household is transparent, straight forward and simple. My dad is very basic in thoughts and so am I. We are used to that. But the problems began when I started to think that the whole world was like that; straight and simple.

Until an year back, I had the same thoughts. Isliye jabhi bhi kuch galat hua to I asked dad, "Aapne bataya kyun nahi ke sab hamare jaise nahi hain?" I cried silently and asked him why did he not warn me about all this? Why did he raise me up in such a protective environment? Dint he know what was waiting outside? Or he thought his daughter would never have had to go through any of it. He tells me I have seen too much at a very early age. Trust me dadda, its not pleasant. I have fought with ma pa everytime I have had to deal with some unpleasant situation. I have asked them a million times ke hum kya yeh sab karna aaye hain? Jo hamare paas hai uske peeche to saari duniya bhaagti hai, fir hum kyun use chodkar un cheezon ke peeche bhaag rahe hain jismein saari duniya fasi hui hai? Zaruri kya hai? Khushi? Woh to thi na.. jab hum sab saath mein the.

I think a drawback of todays generation is that we have a lot of virtual, bookish(these days e-bookish) knowledge, good enough to get us through inteliigent conversations, but it doesnt get us any far once we are in the situation. Reading in the books is different, experiencing it is totally different. There have been times when I have gone hoarse crying... when I have looked up at the ceiling and questioned that unknown power that how long is this gonna continue for? Like millions of others I have sobbed and weeped and asked 'why me?'

When I meet people who have vague ideas about whats happened to me, their questions surprise me, their coldness and ignorance numbs me with shock. People as close as cousins who are sarcastic, make faces and look at this situation as the right opportunities to tell me what they feel exactly about what happened. Its their opportunity to say 'serves you right'. And it leaves me wordless.

Everytime someone asked me to leave the house, I automatically compared the whole thinig to the way I was in my city. I always ask myself what have come here for? Studies? Then why am I not performing? Bitter encounters with people has made me so skeptical, its impossible to say whether I like anything completely or not. I dont feel a need to voice my opinions neither being judgemental about anything. I am just ok, my life is ok and I am glad as long as it remains that way. I never said I loved roller coster rides!!!

Happiness is objectless. All one needs is Mindful Conscious Awareness.

Bang! Here it goes.. yet another realisation..

You may not be the best but I love You..

You may not be flwaless but my perception of You is..

You may have made mistakes but then its just humane..

Who am I to judge you?

I am just the same...

Her tryst with the self..

Thats her.. her life so far.

She read her sister’s school essay titled ‘Roller-coaster ride.’ The last one year came rushing back. The little girl had to sleep on the floor. Father’s salary alone could not support all of them. He worked odd hours, slogged for extra cash. And when they were about to move to a new place, the supposedly ‘good friends’ took away her father’s belongings thinking he had stolen it. She won’t cry, but the times when the mother cried till her tears ran dry do haunt her.

What a time that was! Everything so unstable, the people so unreal, the surroundings so cold and indifferent and the struggle so vigorous. Mother cried, the sister grew up so suddenly at a time when it was just not required! From where she is now it’s difficult to see how the tough times would benefit them in the long run.  

A lot is incomplete, she has to reconcile with her parents, see her father achieve what has been due , the sister has to finish her studies and she... for her, the transition has been so weird it has made her incapable of going through normal human emotions. 

She is at a loss for words when questioned,  ‘how are you?’, ‘how’s the job hunt?’, ‘so are you going to meet your parents?’, ’Why did you come back?’, ‘Achha parents kahan hai? Kya karte hain?’, ’Settled?’.

She has the answers but not the one’s people are used to listening to rather the ones that are...

 

Loosening of the knot

Thoughts loiter. 

A lot in yesterday,

A little in tomorrow.

The present is worried,

'You dont care', it says.

'I want to', I say.

Yesterday laughs,

Future frowns,

I speculate.

The war is on,

between the inseparables,

heart and mind.

The latter doesnt give up,

Makes me dream,

Makes me want,

Makes me hopeful,

The former as usual,

Gives in,

Listens,

Surrenders...

The tussle,

The contemplation,

And the blues.

Albeit the uncertainities

And fester,

Lies a notion bespeaking exposure.

 

Past is behind, 

Future can wait.

The mooching persuasions,

And the ingrained intellections.

Are impertinent like the incongruous imagery

And the surrealities they bring along.

The tangible 'present' embodies incessancy.

Rest all is incidental...

Jinxed birthdays....

Happy budday to me, happy budday to me, Happy budday to dear nidhi..
May God bless you...may God bless and keep you...
Happy budday to you........


PS : I blew candles which kept alighting back...
I kept blowing them off.
I fed the tiramisu to my land lord and his wife... Weird, haina?

Lately, changes have been such constant part of my life that I take this in its stride too... Like dadda says, 'Kasho vandho nahi.'... he he he

And by the way, summers end today... thats official!

Here I go again...mirror image! All for you

Your life strangely follows mine. It happens to me first and you follow suit. I don't need to understand you, it seems our lives are entwined. What is it, destiny? Distances strengthened our relation. I have grown to value you with your absence. Come rains and I imagine us listening to songs, giggling away and drinking chai. In the theatre the sound of your laughter resonates in my head. How I long for those easy, carefree times that I have spent with you. The only moments...alas...

The must-dos will keep us apart for a little more time. I have gone away from the comforts and coziness of home. I have learnt this wont stay for long, not atleast the way we started it. There will be changes, some brought by us, some brought by circumstances. We have grown-up Aditi. We are no more little innocent girls who can get away with not acting right. We are expected to behave what we have been believing in for this long. Not by the world but by ourselves and the one's who matter. I am not sad or sorry for seeing the life the way I have because You make it beautiful for me. The few moments of chat, your voice which reminds me of things which are are still pleasantly same, our giggles, they re-instate the feeling of life-is-not-so-bad afterall in me. You bring the best out in me. I love you.


PS : The cinema hall where I pull my legs up and wrap my arms around them and sit, everytime I see something funny and laugh, I want to turn around and give you a hi-5, the way I have always done, or mabe share one more giggle. But your not there..and Oh I miss you so much then... and the good times!

Léger de coeur : Lighness of heart

A much required conversation took place and I feel much better than I have been lately. And today I read something.. a long lost word document. I have not grasped the meaning of it in totality but I guess it holds answers to those worrying questions. I guess it is not long before I am able to pave my way through...carrying nothing on my shoulders.

And for the good times, I am anticipating there are lots to come.

Amir Khan laata hai...sachhi!

Amazing! I just loved the movie. It is one of the types where all the filmy formulas just fit in so well. I liked Aditi( I am sure many girls must have looked at her and thought "Oh thats sooo me", haina?) I loved Amir's nephew...what's his name?..Imran?? Shit! dhyaan nahi diya... vaise naam mein kya rakha hai?... he he. I liked the innocence, the possessiveness, the jealousy. I dint like that Susaaant...he he....Jiggi was mast too! Everyone was actually. From rotlu rotlu to naive, cute bombs to the silent observer Shaleen. And yeah how can I forget the foreign-crazy Jignesssssh... Impressive the way the director has captured tiny traits of all the characters.

Mwaaaaaah to my gang...cheeentieee, sakubai and aditidieeeeee.. I miss you guys!