If-

IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

- Kipling

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

- William Ernest Henley

PS: Punarnaba, thank you for this wonderful poem.

A vivid dream..

The unfinished white building has been a part of all my dreams ever since I can remember. The dreams, on the other hand, I forget. But this particular dream has remained and I doubt would ever fade away. My alter ego taking me on an introspection ride!

"If ever given a chance to change one thing in your life what would it be? And my answer to it has always been, "Nothing, I have no regrets!!". Feels extremely proud saying in that but the fact is, if given a chance I would have broken lesser number of hearts. That is one thing I would want to undo if I ever got a chance to go back into time. You know why? Its because nothing said or done by someone to you leaves you completely. It lingers on, sometimes forever. It won’t pester you but it would be there, in the background. Its like one more line drawn on your life's canvas. I think I have been smart enough to understand a lot of things much early in my life. One-never try and forget because that is the time when the moments cling on to you with all the strength they can muster, two-talk about it. That’s the best way to move ahead taking all those jiffies along. It doesn't look so difficult then. Life is about moving ahead. Yeah to all the broken souls this would be sounding like yet another lecture but trust me it’s my observation and experience. Nothing remains forever. Neither good nor bad, neither happiness nor sadness. My dad has something similar written in hindi on an acrylic sheet in his office. It says 'Yeh bhi nahi rahega...ha ha ha'. It is so true. One of the biggest facts put in the simplest words.

According to me, the desire to relive certain moments gives rise to memories. Then why the hell would one want to run away from them??!!! Think about it. The deepest and the most understood moments in one's life are the ones that haunt most of us and the most. The constant conflict between the want to feel those moments again and trying to run away from them at the same time plays havoc to our mind and heart. Why bother ourselves so much when we can simply move ahead taking along everything that we have always wanted to? Each one of has that capacity. A leader never moves alone he takes the entire team along with him. That’s how it should be. Leading your own life shouldn't be about you moving ahead and discovering each time when you look back that you are all alone. Let those memories cling on. Let the moments take you in their stride. Come face to face with them whenever they want you to. Look them straight into the eyes and keep looking till its time for one more moment to happen and the present one to pass by. Everything has its time and occurrence and nothing happens before or after that. So even if you try to stop it your attempts would be wasted. Sometimes its clever work to surrender to the laws of nature because life sure comes a full circle...

Its not about making the right choices but about choosing what you want. Its about taking decisions and never going back on them. Its about getting ready to face the consequences once the decisions have been taken. Its about listening to yourself when people are shouting advices in your ears. Its about stopping trying to undoing and redoing things. Its about making one more effort and peeling off all the layers of impossibilities. Its about being there and then moving ahead..."

The whiteness of the building and the brightness of AE(alter ego) was almost blended. The dream has never returned after that but has left behind answers to a lot of unasked questions. These words resound in my head whenever I am confused. Do all of you have one such voice inside your head that comes to your rescue when you are lost? Have you all met your african dancer yet?

A detour...

from proper english and the course my blogs take normally. But this is important as it affects my peace of mind adversely. I am the kind who makes sure every sentence that I write is gramatically correct and I surely take great efforts in doing so. But when I come across stuff like the one written below I have no other option but to express my strong opinion about it! Like many I happen to be a regular orkut user and like many I get hundreds of friends request. Most of them that r ignored str8away but some like these dont leave my head easily, the kinds that slaughter and kill the sophistication of the language sending ten different meanings everytime you read them but never conveying what exactly it had been aimed for!! Even before starting I would like to apologise for using such jargons and abbreviations. But its an attempt to make the blog more opinionated and rebellious!
Read on...


Hi Dear Friend
how are you?
well dear i wanna take attension from your mind,because i hope that
you don't mind. well dear i wanna draw some lines in your honorable
friendships purpose. dear friend i m male and my name is dastagir and I m
looking for true and sincer friends, so if you don't mind then i wanna
make friendship with you so do you like to be my sincer and true
friend???? Well dear i think it's enough for now so now i let you go and
i hope that you will reply me soon. i will wait anxiously your answer.
Take Care of your self
Your's New Friend and Your's Well Wisher
dastagir....


I dont know what goes into the head of Mr. Dastagir when he writes the above lines. I never got around to writing back to him, had no intentions as such but taking the advantage of this being my space alone I am punching down a reply:-


-> First and foremost 'Dear' is a word you dont use for me especially if you trying to grab ma attention!
-> I am fine,thank you very much!
-> You wanna take attension from my mind???U surely have managed to do that!Succeeded in getting ma attention and not attension(puhlease!!!)And I obviously mind!
-> You wanna draw lines where and for what? What on earth do you want to draw lines in ma honorable friendship for?!(Thank god U spelled 'friendship' correctly!).
-> Dear!!! Phew!! 4th time in a row!!! Ur a male! Thanks for clarifying that but thank u, only a stupid dumb man can spare so much time to come up with such a horrendous friends request!
I guessed your gender from the minute I started reading ur attempt to make friendship with me! And yeah you must be looking for 'true and sincer' friends but spare my brains from getting racked by such insensible and folly friendship proposals!!!
-> What is it mister with u and sincerity and truthfulness?? No one has ever told you how painful it is to even have such a scrap like this?!! You wanna make friendship with me? Did i hear that correctly?? It sounded like U wanted to make out!!
-> Even u realised that its enough!!! Gosh!! Am grateful you let me go finally!!!
-> I am sane enough not to reply to your lame friends request- you have made sure of that!
-> After all this you still expect me to accept ur friends request??? u must be kidding me!!
-> Your my wel-wisher! Thank u again for that! But no that wont give u a place in my friends list.

On second thoughts, had you spent the time that you spent in constructing such grammatically incorrect sentences in learning a little bit of angrezi, you could have done much better!!!
How about a Rapidex-learn english in 60 days course!!!

Encounters..

Almost 22! I had never wondered before today just how many people I have met till date. A million?? Maybe, I must have. So many faces and so many more faces. Some have looked at me with adulation and some have merely stared. Some smiled, others frowned. Some had tears in their eyes and some had understanding. Some were such that I could go on looking at them forever. Some motivated me and some made me feel dejected. Some turned green with envy, some, red with anger. Some turned pink while some turned crimson. The faces that had once talked with me or had laughed at a joke that I had cracked. The faces that had questioned and the faces that had answered. The face that turned around just to have one more look at me and the face I wanted to look at for one last time. The faces that made me laugh and the faces that angered me. Faces, faces and more faces. Most of them have dissolved into the vastness of the space but there are some that have still remained. They still cling on to me, onto my subconscious. Thats why I dream...meaningless. Failing to comprehend what makes those faces re-appear. Maybe there is still some connection left. Some conversation with them that I must have left incomplete due to lack of expression or because I thought it was too late. At this, my mind questions again-Whats the right time? Isnt it true that circumstances have to be created? Then why do you wait for things to happen?Isnt it in our hands to take things forward. No tom, dick or harry would come and do it for us! Why do you wait then? Patience-When your aim is clear you pursue it with all the patience you can have. But when you dont know what the end is gonna be what do you do? Wait and go on waiting? Thats foolishness. Waiting patiently for things you know will happen is different than waiting for things that you guess would take place. Banking on nothing at all. You dont fight a losing battle,do you? Thats foolishness again. So what do you do? Move ahead. Leave the past behind, let the bygones be bygones and start afresh! Make the mind your slave, control all the feelings, put a stop to all the fluctuating visions and prepare yourself for the bigger and better things in life. Life- a four letter word that encapsulates everything that a human being was born to experience. Mind- another four letter word thats absolutely tailor-made. Ready to fit every skull. Ready to cater to all your demands. The most fascinating piece of God's work. He must have created it only when his sole competitior was he,himself. Mind- It tricks you, it fools you, it plays for you, it plays with you. You hallucinate. You foresee. You may never know the difference. You might go crazy and still believe your the sanest man alive! Thats the power of mind!

Sitting here and letting my mind wander here there everywhere I realize that almost everything in my life is planned. Planned by no one but me.The faces, the incidents, the emotions, everything was always somewhere in the cosmos and I simply went through all of it as and when my mind and physical body was capable to handle it. What more? All of it was unknowingly thought of at some point of time and space at a very early stage of my life. The once passing thoughts took a physical form and its only then that I realized that all the good, bad, love, hatred is in the head. I am a body of flesh and blood possessing the most powerful and the most intelligent motor anyone could ever think of designing-the mind. And as I shall grow this motor will work towards designing my life as and how I wish it to be. In the process I will blame and thank equally. And thus more and more incidents will gather to make up what I will later call as my life-story. My mind being the sole object bearing the responsibility for whatever takes place in the run.

Whats in store? I will never know but a thousand encounters with innumerable faces and hundred odd situations I have already been in and out of teach me that however well prepared I am, I am still not ready for the unexpected. For this time the unexpected being Love...and its still blooming!!

The truth,the whole truth and nothin but the truth...

I got married!!! Shocked??!!! Ok let me re-tool my lexicon. In my mind I am married to him. No! 'The mind' belongs solely to him. I got married to him in my heart and I am still to find a word in the dictionary that best describes my current state-of-mind. Is there something beyond bliss??? If yes and anyone finds a word for it do let me know. Because its much more than the words ever had the power to express. I never knew the person who had all the qualities to become the most hated person became the most important Man of my life.
Its funny, our love story. We met on the dance floor, just a perfect place for two people to fall in love, but we!! Nothing happened there despite of two hours every week of looking into each others eyes. It never occurred to me then that he would be The One it would be difficult to imagine my life without. Its just been a few months that we met and it already feels as if I have lived a lifetime with him. He was right when he said distances are only of miles because mentally he is always besides me, sometimes looking at me when I am sleeping and sometimes when I am out with friends. Things started happening when we got talking on the phone. His not-so-appealing voice became a need gradually. His talks, an addiction. It took me a while to realize what was happening. He would agree whole heartedly(mindedly, hubby-bee??ha ha ha) if I say his 'Maybe's' became mine and to a large extent, my laconic 'Yes' and 'Nos' now belong to him. If my giggles make him smile, its his deep voice that keeps me awake every night. If my indifference irritates him, its his 'raje' and 'bachha' that make my heart melt.

Many a times I wondered, will I ever achieve the heights of loving someone the way I have wanted to and will I ever find someone who would comprehend me exactly how its meant to be.

Does John Galt exist? After meeting my husband I would say Yes. Someone so perfect that my imperfections were reflected clearly, someone so generous that it left me wordless. So giving, that it became difficult not to reciprocate. He, for me is a thousand things. A wax statue at Madame Tussaud's which I could only admire, a distant star that I could only wish upon, the Porsche in the showroom which I could only dream of. It wasn't love at first sight for me but now that it has happened its growing with every passing day.
And after my constant arguments with him over what is right, the heart or the mind, I have concluded both of them are because his mind agreed with my heart and look where we have reached....The highest peak of TOGETHERNESS!!!

I don't know what Perfect Love is. But if ever I was asked to define it I would say-
'Its not about liking and disliking the same things but its about mutually agreeing on the most important aspects of life. Its about being sure that you will love the person more than yesterday despite the distance that separates and the time that passes by. Its about waiting everyday, patiently to listen to that one voice that will make the rest of your day. Its not about possessing him but its about setting him free, letting him go.
Love is, when its about 'Him' and the 'I' blended harmoniously..'

By the way, I never told you this Mr. Diplomat, someone once told me "People find their life-parters on the dance floor."

Horizon..

I smell the wetness of the soil. As I raise my head to look at the sky the rain begins to pour.The first few drops kiss my face and I spread my hands to hold them in my fingers. I move slowly, my gait steady. The wet ground beneath my bare feet, numbing them, sending a shiver through my body. I am frozen. Frozen by the realisation of the feeling that had race past me, ignoring me as if I never deserved it.

It has happened again.The words,the expressions and their manifestation.Thought I left them way behind. But they pulled me back and made me walk the path I never thought I would be treading again with the moments and the feelings almost subsided. Something waited for me eagerly, something so full of life that it made my eyes twinkle.

Its his voice in the late of the night, that tickles, when the silence unfolds. With him I hear the silence speak while words lose themselves in the oblivion. His deep whisper tittilates like he is just behind me breathing heavily on my neck, uttering words that are only for me. With the clock ticking by I slowly drift away from the conscious world to the subconscious where the reality is waiting for me to embrace it.Yes..I am ready for it.My mind is made up to look into its face and say "I own it.The feeling is mine...".

After numerous conflicts between the heart and mind, the heart has come out triumphant. His emotional spectrum plays with the whites of my life and makes it vibrant. The passion has returned,the fire enkindled.The bland spaces of my life are robbed of their monotonic rut. The nature chuckles as it finds me noticing the sun appearing brighter than before and the winds changing their course.

It settled inside of me,the ever growing want and the incessant wait. Like so many unfulfilled wishes this too comfortably becomes one with the complex labyrinth of my unpredictable life.Unlike so many unfulfilled wishes I find content with just the thought of having the mind to understand and intercept the meaning the feeling produces.

In my solitude, even today, I walk constantly like a traveller motivated by the magic the sun creates while it plays with the sand and tricks my eyes just to reach the place that quenches my soul and responds to the thousand words that wait to be heard, only to discover one more horizon and a long journey before I finally reach where I belong.

My mirror-image..

I received Aditi's letter yesterday.....a 16 page long chronicle that was becoming so much of a need until it had not arrived. The reason for my desperation being the constant thrumming of solitude that seemed to fill me up from head to toe.It had to stop before it started running along with blood in my veins and her letter,I knew would play the antidote. And so it did. With every line read and every page turned her words acted like dementers to my loneliness, sucking in every ounce that was vigorously trying to find home in me. Her letter if could be painted would take the shape of a very bright ray of sun that would work like butterbeer for my soul. Its warmth slowly spreading in every part of me. For a long time I was quiet, savouring every little incident she had mentioned in it and feeling content with just how much close I felt with her through that piece of paper.
The letter took me on a jaunt through her life there in udaipur where I cant be with her now, like I used to be when we were in school together.Those were somedays when we both like two ammateur comrades had set out to take a trip on the world. Looking back I realise just how inexpressive we both had been.Young and busy. I dont remember holding hands with her while walking on the road or ever hugging her and telling her how much she meant to me. We never needed each other. We were always there...
Our relation grew.I think the distance brought us close. We both grew in alot of aspects and like the world would say emerged as two young ladies(I know U dont like the word)
Coming back to her letter, it made alot of sense to me when I read what she thought regarding being in love.I was surprised to know just how alike our thought patterns were. She once wrote in my slam book 'Love holds your hand,makes you blind and yet carries you on the right path...' and I would say that I quiet agree with that Aditi. It feels great to be in love and feels better when expressed more often.
Time and again it surprises me how easy it is to be connected with the ones you love.The physical distances dissolve when your tattered soul finds solace in their words.
Thanking her would be an understatement.Telling her how much I love her repetitively might do justice but would not suffice. But she is like that ray of sun that brightens up my day and manages to put a smile on my face even when it seems impossible. My imperfections so easily accepted and looked over, my mistakes so honestly pointed out, advices given only when asked...its not in everyones capacity to be what she is to me...my mirror-image......I just wont find another...

Let me be what I want to be...

And so she cried..it was almost a plea and strangely I felt as if directed towards me. I couldnt understand why both of them looked at me, waiting for me to react, to agree rather. The subject of discussion had been 'Death Metal'. They were the ones who had tonnes to talk about it and I was just a mute observer nodding my head here and there whenever I thought I had heard the names of the bands that they kept mentioning. They even suggested what bands I should start listening to. We continued talkin about it for some more time.I sitting between the two of them like an audience watching a tennis tournament obediently following the itinerary of the ball that dived from his court to hers.

A was introduced to me by V in his own very peculiar style. V himself is very grouchy about the people he wants to be with. If you ask me its actually the people who dont want to be with him. Why??...Why not?? I mean look at him. He looks like a rowdy out of some scruffy magazine. His unkempt hair that would remind you of road-side lukkhas,his pants barely managing to cling on to his tenuous arse, an arrant perpetual expression of a chronic drinker,so dishevelled,his attire rumpled and absolutely frowzled that it just makes a travesty of Slash(one of the guitarist of G n R..and his favourite too!!!). One look at him and you would be barfing!
If V ever had a sibling in my college she would have to resemble A. A who always carries a screwed expression on her face as if the sun is 24 hrs right in front of her. She being totally enamoured by the not-so-understandable charm of Mr. V,they look so much like made for each other,like two cartoon characters jamming together singing songs that have never made sense to me. Even the reason for their being friends had been their similar choice of songs because according to A the people who hear metal have some metal in them too. This is particularly becoming a problem for her as none but only one person,undoubtedly Mr. V (her bro!) has an ear for metal. Their instant friendship dint come to me as a surprise. It was inevitable...their freemasonry.

The discussion had drifted gradually to another topic,now this one being a favourite of V: Countries,their cultures,the amount of freedom(to fuck as many bases as u can!!!)and the conflict between indian and french mentality.Yeah he has been learning French from a reputed school of language for the past two years. He is good no doubt but it seems the french people have taught him more than just their language. His aim is to settle down in some french country not for some career but to have fun. Ask him how does he plan to do that and he has no answer.So is the case with A. She looks like this gorilla on a lose with too small a brain in too big a head that can only understand and respond to sounds of words like 'Death metal' and 'Grunge metal'.
They started off with things like what would happen after the college,obviously they wont miss it.I think thats where I interrupted them after wat seemed like an endless pause just to say that the people will be a little hard to forget. Their reaction to this statement was lurid. They both pounced on me as if I had pronounced a death sentence because according to them people of this place were not worth remembering.It was fine till here as listening to this from these two was pretty much digestable. It only became improbable once they talked about this from a philosophical point of view.
Let me put it in a more organised manner...

V's philosophy:
We came to this world not to make friends but to have fun.What is fun? Its not committment but an act of dealing with other human being as long as you are comfortable with them and after that.....you part!! Who wants responsibilities,who wants to take care of the people,who wants to look after the parents...not me,not me,not me! He screamed,his face smitten by disgust as if he had lived all his life shouldering neck-breaking responsibilities. Why do u need to carry relations from one place to another,why not forget people when you say good-bye to the place,move forward, make new friends,get laid, leave the place and forget those people too... and the cycle would go on and on. The bottom line is- Live life with no responsibilities with people who give you pleasure as long as they can.

A's (dependent)philosophy:
She would never not agree with her bosom crony.They are like the seamese twins joined at the head or maybe at the bottom...the seam stitched in a way that it would read words like flee,hide,metal,rock...
She dived deep into this pit from where she dug out all the knowledge that she could have achieved only after listening to death metal. She had attained nirvana and was now trying to enlighten me with her limited knowledge as well.Her philosophy is very simple. If you are a death metal fan you have got your brains in the right place. Such people have something in them,thats how she would justify her taste of music.Something..what?? well she wont have an answer to that obviously. Her plea to listen to everything that she had to say about people and the world was not sickening or boring but simply amusing and strange.


It hit me then..about the way we all are and have been since donkeys years. Little knowledge and hell lot of an attitude to cover up the flaws. We all have conveniently achieved what we can call our kinda Nirvana-where ignorance is bliss and the head is still held high..........Phew!!!

Reverie...

I sit at the door,Waiting
Staring out at the horizon
The sun is sinking down
It is time to go home.
My eyes fixed on the road
And I see him from a distance
My heart skips a beat
A 1000 emotions rush in.
He appears closer now
With each step he takes towards me
My heart races all the more.
I get up and walk to the entrance..
To welcome The Man,
To welcome him- My Man!
I see his face clearly now
And I feel him looking at me.
As he stands in front of me
His eyes penetrating mine,
His head held high,
And smilingly he says Lets go.
And I set out with him to explore the unknown,
To unravel the mysteries that await Us;
Its me and Him and Our beliefs
Our promise to enjoy, TOGETHER..
Laugh and play and play and laugh
And go on like that Forever
Forever-till the time it lasts.
A tear rolls down my cheek
Its just another gloomy reverie
My eyes still fixed on the road
But the sun has sunk
Its just left tranquility behind
And ME sitting at the door,
Still waiting....

Utility chamber and a volley of thoughts

As I lay sprawled over the roof top of my pent house I felt a subtle calm spread all over me. The winds playing with my hair,tickling my senses so much that the smile stubbornly stayed on my lips for a very long time. Discovery of this place had been very welcoming, especially after a long, hectic and a wasted day at college. Looking up at the blue sky I spread my arms wide open hoping to take in whatever my vision would let me, hugging tight, clinging on to the sky as if for some kinda assurance. I thought to myself, it was not so bad afterall. I could always climb up and come to this place to find that one thing that I missed all day......being myself. The distant lights signify something....I dont know what...maybe they tell me that there is always a beginning to an end.. I could lie on that cold white glittering stone forever...the touch with the cold floor distracts me for a while..takes my mind to a place where I dont have to listen to people who dont make sense,who laugh for no reason, who never have a straight Yes or No for an answer.

The entire apartment under my feet and the interminable sky above..I stand up and walk to the edge..just one step closer and I will be counting micro-seconds before I hit the ground. I keep looking down for a long time waiting to come over the urge to jump.nah!!!dont u think I m upset or given up on life.......I just find it amusing. The steady smile says it all. And now I suddenly realise....had I been home I wouldnt have been able to think all of this..perhaps I would have been doing something menial...most of things that u do are menial(on second thoughts),you just have to prioritise them. And now as I stand here I tell myself this place is no less than a chamber itself with air acting as concrete and the sky which has now turned black, as the roof. Its my chamber where I can look anywhere, think anything, confess, criticise, just anything. Its a place where I need no breathers..Its a place where all my thoughts fall obediently in line as beads would onto a thread,one after another, some coming in bundles, the rest slowly, lazily. Get a grip you would say...hark!! This is where I let my self loose, become vulnerable and stand naked and surrender to the realms of reality. The roof-top does justice to its title which I will give it now-The Utility chamber.

I have sat here for more than an hour now thinking hard,harder. What would happen if tomorrow never came..is that possible??..ha ha..I laugh out aloud without even realising it..its inevitable..and the sun will rise from the east..it has to.