Loosening of the knot

Thoughts loiter. 

A lot in yesterday,

A little in tomorrow.

The present is worried,

'You dont care', it says.

'I want to', I say.

Yesterday laughs,

Future frowns,

I speculate.

The war is on,

between the inseparables,

heart and mind.

The latter doesnt give up,

Makes me dream,

Makes me want,

Makes me hopeful,

The former as usual,

Gives in,

Listens,

Surrenders...

The tussle,

The contemplation,

And the blues.

Albeit the uncertainities

And fester,

Lies a notion bespeaking exposure.

 

Past is behind, 

Future can wait.

The mooching persuasions,

And the ingrained intellections.

Are impertinent like the incongruous imagery

And the surrealities they bring along.

The tangible 'present' embodies incessancy.

Rest all is incidental...

Jinxed birthdays....

Happy budday to me, happy budday to me, Happy budday to dear nidhi..
May God bless you...may God bless and keep you...
Happy budday to you........


PS : I blew candles which kept alighting back...
I kept blowing them off.
I fed the tiramisu to my land lord and his wife... Weird, haina?

Lately, changes have been such constant part of my life that I take this in its stride too... Like dadda says, 'Kasho vandho nahi.'... he he he

And by the way, summers end today... thats official!

Here I go again...mirror image! All for you

Your life strangely follows mine. It happens to me first and you follow suit. I don't need to understand you, it seems our lives are entwined. What is it, destiny? Distances strengthened our relation. I have grown to value you with your absence. Come rains and I imagine us listening to songs, giggling away and drinking chai. In the theatre the sound of your laughter resonates in my head. How I long for those easy, carefree times that I have spent with you. The only moments...alas...

The must-dos will keep us apart for a little more time. I have gone away from the comforts and coziness of home. I have learnt this wont stay for long, not atleast the way we started it. There will be changes, some brought by us, some brought by circumstances. We have grown-up Aditi. We are no more little innocent girls who can get away with not acting right. We are expected to behave what we have been believing in for this long. Not by the world but by ourselves and the one's who matter. I am not sad or sorry for seeing the life the way I have because You make it beautiful for me. The few moments of chat, your voice which reminds me of things which are are still pleasantly same, our giggles, they re-instate the feeling of life-is-not-so-bad afterall in me. You bring the best out in me. I love you.


PS : The cinema hall where I pull my legs up and wrap my arms around them and sit, everytime I see something funny and laugh, I want to turn around and give you a hi-5, the way I have always done, or mabe share one more giggle. But your not there..and Oh I miss you so much then... and the good times!

Léger de coeur : Lighness of heart

A much required conversation took place and I feel much better than I have been lately. And today I read something.. a long lost word document. I have not grasped the meaning of it in totality but I guess it holds answers to those worrying questions. I guess it is not long before I am able to pave my way through...carrying nothing on my shoulders.

And for the good times, I am anticipating there are lots to come.

Amir Khan laata hai...sachhi!

Amazing! I just loved the movie. It is one of the types where all the filmy formulas just fit in so well. I liked Aditi( I am sure many girls must have looked at her and thought "Oh thats sooo me", haina?) I loved Amir's nephew...what's his name?..Imran?? Shit! dhyaan nahi diya... vaise naam mein kya rakha hai?... he he. I liked the innocence, the possessiveness, the jealousy. I dint like that Susaaant...he he....Jiggi was mast too! Everyone was actually. From rotlu rotlu to naive, cute bombs to the silent observer Shaleen. And yeah how can I forget the foreign-crazy Jignesssssh... Impressive the way the director has captured tiny traits of all the characters.

Mwaaaaaah to my gang...cheeentieee, sakubai and aditidieeeeee.. I miss you guys!

Have you ever...

Have you ever met a person
That fulfilled you deep inside...
Someone who's never failed you
And stands, no matter what, always by your side.

Someone who gives from their heart
Who brings sunshine all around...
Always smiling and laughing,
Never seeming down.

Have you ever watched a sunset
Across the ocean shore...
And been filled with love and peace,
Never needing more?

Have you ever listened to the wind
Blowing restlessly through the night...
And heard the angel's whispers
Helping you to see when you've lost sight?

Have you heard a song that moves you
And sets your soul free...
Makes you forget your pain and anger
Or makes you feel wild and happy?

Have you ever given to someone
When you didn't have it to spare...
And afterwards felt so worthy inside,
That you didn't have a care?

You see my friend, heavenly creatures surround you,
So listen closely to what they say...
They'll bring you all of life's riches,
As they guide you along your way.

:- excerpt from a forwarded e-mail. Searching for the authors name....

Ajeeb hai...

Sab akele mein rote hain... he he... rona aur chup rehna is better than bolna maane ki complain karna...

Like a child I yearn for you...

How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?

This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling 22, acting 17.
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never so crazy on my own…
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you...

These days I have become obsessed with anything that says media.The word stirs someting in me. It is an attention grabber. Six months into my post graduation and it has changed the way I watch adverts on tele, billboards or even movies. Let me say I consume these commodities in a very different way now! Oops! Thats sheer media-infected talks. But I like this. The whole media-buzz and the way it fills me up. This area comes with a lot of temptations. The glamour, the adrenaline high, deadlines that make u sweat, random working hours and limitless excitement. I read an article and re-write it in my mind. I see an advert and come up with different punch lines. What more, I even imagine some weird ways of approaching people for jobs. Some really random, freaky ways! One of these days I am going to try these tactics. They should work. Instincts tell me, there is some difference between people who do random jobs and the people who do the 'right' job. Right job comes to smart people and other jobs, to others. I know I want to be in media. I know I will be. Because this is what I want. This is what I eat, sleep, drink and eat everyday and night.
I am glad there is a clear cut vision atleast on the career front.

About other spheres.... its all part of the grander design and like dev anand would sing...

Jo mil gayaa usi ko muqaddar samajh liya,
Jo kho gaya usko bhulata chala gaya,
Main zindagi ka saath nibhata chala gaya,
har fikr ko dhuyein mein udata chala gaya...

1:27 pm... I am eagerly awaiting somebody's arrival. Like D said.. waiting to breathe freely. There is tension in the air. Since morning there have been no exchange of words. No conversation whatsoever. But the situation can not be straightened because it has been complicated beyond repair. Within a few hours I am going to be all on my own. For the first time, independent in the real sense. With no obligations to fulfill or no more compromised decision-makings. Its all going to be new, fresh, a start. The excitement is waiting to surface one these few tricky moments are over. I am counting minutes now... Anytime soon now I will see a car come in the drive-way and off I will go. He he I smiled just thinking of the new surroundings, the new people, the newness in whole! God! Be with me...

Here's to my freedom which is priceless!
Mwaaaaaahhhhhhh!!

Another volley of thoughts...

I was going through one of my friends wedding/honeymoon pictures. There was one picture where she sat in the doli blankly posing for the camera. I cried looking at that one. Because it hurt that none of us were present with her at such an important juncture of her life. I missed being there with her. I knew she was not happy. She had been pushed into this. She had cried the last time I saw her in Ahmedabad. I wasn't looking at her vidaai pictures and crying thinking I would go through the same. What hurt me more was how alone she looked. And then my thoughts drifted towards something else. I thought to myself..What the hell! We make so much of fuss about marriage, love and dream-boys. I have spent hours thinking about a good life, a settled future. My whole life- how I want it to be 10 years down the line. It is so real that I can almost touch it and then there is her... my reality check. Making me realize how important it is to live in the present. Sometimes I am concerned when I keep on waiting for the best to happen to me. I worry losing out on what is being offered...
Oh sweetheart! Be happy and remain so forever. I would love to see you falling in love with this guy who you call your husband now. Wishing you lots of happiness and well-being.


PS : Cliche - Life is about moving forward...
Ideologies should be updated drawing onto new experiences moulding the mind, ridding oneself of rigidity.

Is this you?

Emerging stronger everyday? Waging a constant war with oneself? Making decisions and breaking promises every day? Its one of those pieces which has been forwarded over and over again and yet it makes sense to everyone who needs some assurance that life is not bad after all. It made a difference to me. Read on maybe this is exactly what you have been looking for.

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job... and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you.

Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your
list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lie in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better... Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you're doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person... You want to settle down for good because now all of a sudden that becomes top priority. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You begin to think a companion for life is better than a hundred in the shack and for once you would not mind standing tall for that special someone which otherwise you had never thought of until now. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future and making a life for yourself... and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that every one reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

- Thanks Abhishek(My angel for the day)

Comprehending 'U, Me aur Hum'

''Apne rang gavaye bin mere rang mein ghul jaayo.
Apni dhoop bujhao bin meri chaaon mein aa jao.
Chalo yun karein..
tum, tum bhi raho,
Main, Main bhi rahoon,
Hum, hum bhi rahein..''.

U, Me aur Hum, wouldn't have struck me had it not been for this amazing song. I grasped the full meaning of this wonderful song while I was out brisk walking. The ear plugs had me fully attentive to the song in its entirety. The simplicity of the lyrics justify the profoundness of its concept.

''Jaise badal paani ka yaarana hai.
Jaise gul aur khushboo ka dostana hai.
Vaise hi rahe hum tum vaise hi jeeye hum tum
Tere mere haath mein koi bhi pinjra na ho
Ek dusre par apna haq to ho, kabza na ho
Har haal mein tum, tum bhi raho...''

My dad once explained how its only a mum who has the capacity to love unconditionally and paying off her debt is impossible atleast in one lifetime. I have understood that after being away from her. Infact, I understand that its true wherever love is involved. If I aim at learning to let go (as I have always been trying hard to, saying it first so that I do practice it later) its not easy, I can vouch for that. Nevertheless, If I do try that it would help me. Its more like purification through introspection. Because I believe, the wiser one becomes, the broader the horizons grow, the more generous one is. Thats why I love the line 'ek dusre par apna haq to ho, kabza na ho.'

''Ek din to woh lamha bhi aana hai,
Dono mein se ek ne chale jaana hai.
Baat hai sabhi ho to,
Jaan le abhi hum tum.
Dono mil ke saath mein aise jeena sikh lein,
Taaki jo peeche rahe usko hona mushkilein.
Chale yun jeeyein
'gar main na rahoon,
ya tum na raho,
hum, hum hi rahein.
Jaise saaya saath chale saath rahe har dum
U me aur Hum...''.

Aiming for the austerity, paving my way to reach the Ultimate Complexity..

Happy birthday Vina!
And Aditi you were right. Its so easy to talk when its you..

Discernings..

Mums are amazing, aren't they? They teach you to spread your wings and fly when their own are trussed...

Hankering...

I want to go back home! Go back to my house..my room..my bed..MY pillow!! And I want to sleep on my side of the bed...

Javeda zindagi...

Only somebody who can detach himself from everything and reach a place where he can understand love in its purest form, can have a mind that produces such miraculous words. I am amazed.

Tose naina laage piya saaware,
Nahin bas mein ab yeh jiya saaware,
Tose naina laage mili roshni,
Tose mann jo laaga mili zindagi.

Kshama ko pigalne ka armaan kyun hai?
Patange ko jalne ka armaan kyun hai?
Isi shauk ka imtehaan zindagi hai,
Nahin koi insaan mohabbat se khaali,
Har ek ruh pyaasi, har ek dil sawaali.

Mohabbat ki hai daastaan zindagi,
Mohabbat na ho toh kaha zindagi,
Mohabbat to ek jaaveda zindagi hai,
Mohabbat jise baksh de zindagani,
Nahi maut par khatm uski kahaani,
Mohabbat jahaan hai wahaan zindagi hai,
Mohabbat na ho toh kahaan zindagi hai,
Mohabbat jise baksh de zindagani,
Nahi maut par khatm uski kahaani.

Tohse naina laage mili roshni,
Tohse man jo laaga mili zindagi.

Kaise jiya jaaye ishq bin...