A Thank You note

In all the parts that I wrote, I did not mention a few people and even if I did I would like to again to tell them all how exactly how much important they are/have been all throughout the phase.

Dadda and Mamma - Thank You sooooooo much for being there. In my time spent in UK I realised how important it was to have you people around at all time. No amount of words or even gestures can match up to the unconditional love and support you guys have given me.

Mamma thanks for instilling into me the desire to dream. The wish to aspire. Thanks for trusting me.

Dadda thanks for being my back bone. Thanks for talking to me for hours, for hearing me cry, for telling me I could do it and also for saying 'Chinta mat kar, hum hain.'

Thanks for helping me with my research! For sorting out my queries over the phone and discussing ideas for my dissert.

Thanks to both of u together for raising me the way you did. For providing me with the best yet equipping me with abilities to cope up with the worst.

Aditi, Deepika, Dhruti - I call them ma bitches. Few of the very strong-headed females that I know. Not once did they sympathize. Not once did they say 'Poor you'. Not even when my relationship ended abruptly and I thought my world had crashed. Well my break-up story can be split into another five parts but I reckon I'd save it for my book.

But yeah.. Aditi thanks for saying 'Get him out of your system kyunki option nahi hai bidu' then. I thought that was your indifference but now I can say you gaged the situation way ahead than me. Deepika thanks for listening to me silently when I cried and cribbed in front of you. This time when we met and you told me I had changed I felt happy. Dhruta thanks for praying for me, for cheering me up.

Its only after not speaking, staying aloof, arguing and later fighting with you all I accepted situations the way they were. It was frustrating but thanks for not letting me become emotionally vulnerable.

S - Saviour in disguise. I have lost touch with him but how can I forget what great help he was to me. Thanks a tonnes.

Jimmy - One person except the ones I deemed my closest, who became a friend, listened to my story, understood it perfectly and motivated me to keep working towards my goal. 'Wait and watch Nidhi, how the coming year is going to be for you' thats what he said to me often. The time has passed and he has been right. Thank You Jimss for being a great friend.

Masi(Aunt) - For welcoming me into her house again. For being so generous and being so selfless.

G - I have already expressed my gratitude towards him in G and me. And I am will continue to do so.

Jhaiji, Badi-mamma, papa and minks - Hadn't it been for these people, I would have had to seriously consider going to USA. Thanks for welcoming me into the house and loving me so much. Thanks for adjusting and accommodating me. Thank you for worrying after me, inquiring about my whereabouts, insisting that I should eat when I say I ain't hungry, keeping up until late when I am out and never trying to impose anything on me. It matters and it is gratifying.

P - If G set the ball rolling, you wheeled it even further for me. Thank you for showing faith, telling me I am good, insisting me to get over my hesitations and most importantly empowering me with responsibilities. It is so important to have a positive working environment and you provided just that. Thanks for being a listener :)

N - Who is more protective about me than I would be of myself. Who is emotional, who worries too when I am out, who loves me and appreciates me as a person. N, I may come across as inexpressive at times.. but like i keep telling u-kuch log jatate hain, kuch nahi. Aapko thanks nahi bolungi because thats a deal between us.. just a big big hug!

Being independent... part 5

September 2008 - till date

By the time I was back in Reading it was midnight. The cops called me and asked what did I wish to do with the female. They could not take her to the police station just because I said she hit me. I had to be there as a witness.

Cop - If you drag her to the police station just because you had a tiff over washing machine, it would take up a lot of your time and money.

I was in no mood to explain to the man that it was much more than just a tiff!

Me - I dont want to go that far. I just wanted to scare her. Thank you and sorry for having troubled you.

The house was full of chatter. Aunt was on phone with ma. Ba(aunt's mother-in-law) and uncle gathered around me, saying everything would be fine. Aunty came into the living room where we all were seated and handed me the phone. It was dad on the other side.

Dadda - Nidha, tu thik haina?

Me - Hmmm.. Ekdam

Everything inside me had suddenly come to a halt. I wasn't sad, depressed nor angry. Surprisingly I felt perfectly alright... Stable would be a better word.

Dadda - Now that you are back here, remember one thing. Do not try and change anyone around you.

Something had changed inside me. I did not defend myself this time.

Me - Hmmm.

Dadda - Remember you have gone there to study. Remember you are not there for anything else but studying. Prioritise yourself now. You have to get done with this degree. You have three months remaining. Think of nothing else but that. Alright?

Me - Yes.

Dad - Here, talk with ma.

Ma was in tears. Her voice was shaky, her head must be jarred. She must have wanted to come right to me and take me in her arms.

Ma - Dont try finding jobs and dont worry about money. We'll send it to you. Just stay back home and study.

Me - Hmmm.. I am going to sleep now.

Ma - Haan mera raja beta..(I just loved to listen to that from her!) so ja tu ab jaake. Aur bilkul chinta mat karna.

It was after 1. The noises had died down. I took my night clothes and went upstairs to the room which belonged to me once. It was taken over by Nij, my older cousin. He wasn't there that night so I slept there. I got inside the bed and under the quilt. As I lay my head on the soft fluffy pillow, tears welled up my eyes. I don't remember for how long I stared in the dark but the silence and darkness had me rewind everything that had happened in the last whole month.

Just a few months back I had left this place with a broken heart and nothing but a thousand pounds in my bank account. I lacked direction, I lacked confidence and I lacked awareness. I was spontaneous, i was impulsive and I followed what I thought was my heart. It lead me into ugly situations and what happened in the end? I am still lying on the same bed and things around me are still the same. My aunt's household dint change one bit, neither did anything else. I guess that was a moment of realisation.. I am not in control of anything or anyone. All I can change is me.

Dad had said ' Kabhi kabhi kuch chakkar pure hone hote hain. Shayad yeh wahi tha. Life hai, hota hai. Girna bura nahi. Lekin zaruri hai girke uthna. Aage badhte raho.'

The next few months I studied so much that it surprised me as well. I had a fixed routine. I had got myself a part time job which had random shifts. I generally used to stay up late and do my research for the dissertation and wake up early to go to work. I hardly slept for more than 5 hours everyday but the good thing was I never felt drained. I was enjoying every bit of it. I frequented the library more than ever. I spent hours reading and collecting data. I spent alot of time scribbling my thoughts on paper, I remember I had filled up so many tissue napkins with my ideas about my thesis. I had come to a stage where I ate, drank, slept and breathed dissertation. For the first time ever I was working hard to produce an original piece of work. And that I reckon was the start of doing everything that way.

These months were also my last months in UK. Because the last few months of my stay here were so crap and because I had a very fluctuating state of mind and also because after all the crap I had arrived at a point when every ugly thing had finally passed away, I was calm and I wanted to remain like that always. The no-happy-no-sad stage where I had arrived I wanted to be at that for ever.

Dad had suggested I could go to Bihar Yog peeth or Sawmi Ram's Sadhana Mandir in Rishikesh. I googled both of them up and found out that my dissertation end date and the Self Transformation Program in Sadhana Mandir dates were quite close. I contacted them and got myself enrolled for the course.

On 15th of December I submitted my dissertation. On 30th of the same month I left UK for good.

STP at SM gave me exactly what I was looking for. And Ganasan Sir(who I address as G) is the person who gave me a very clear path to follow.

After landing in Ahmedabad and after finding my first job, I recollected so many things that G said I was empowered with -

My fears had dissolved. I had no issues with who thinks what when I was confused. I understood I could be wrong and my biggest hang-up of not asking questions disappeared.

I had become lady-like which for people who know me for long would be quite surprising.

I was articulate with words and confident unlike before.

The most important thing which I feel that every working person needs to understand is the importance of what to speak, where to speak and how much to speak. I had started doing that and significantly effortlessly.

As I finish of this last part I am reminded of my blog 'Encounters' where I wrote about a thousand situations I would face and a thousand people I would encounter. Then I longed for being on my own. But after having experienced a bit of life I was really on my own.

I reckon I have waited for becoming independent for long now. Sometimes I wonder whether it was this desire that triggered of these circumstances or was it fated to be that way because I am a strong believer of the fact that most of the things in life are planned. Whatever it was, I have come to a stage where I am at my best when left alone. I have learnt to befriend myself, I shop alone, I spend hours without actually missing anyones company. And mind you by saying this I don't mean I am an anti social person. I equally enjoy conversations, I love food and movies and for the girl-gene I love gossiping too. I guess I have just found a way to strike a balance between the two.

And when I have the best of both the worlds here, why would I want to fly away to USA? I might be living away from my family but like everything else this is also a phase.. where the priorities have shuffled for a while until the circumstances conspire to bring forth a situation which is in favor of me and them!

Being Independent... Part 4

Next day the black lady called up fuming. She was receiving calls from people who wanted their parcels picked up from their doorsteps for just a pound! She fought with A. A was furious.

A - You handle this female whichever way you want.

The lady called up again. I spoke to her, apologized. She asked for a waiver of 100 pounds on the next ad. I consulted A. She walked straight to P's cabin. I could see my hopes sinking down. She came out of the cabin and asked me to go inside.

P - We kept you here thinking you could bring us business. And you are getting A into trouble.

Me - I have invested most of my time procuring payments from her clients. You can check with Akash bhai, I have got more then 3000 pounds back in about three weeks.

P - You were not hired for this. You had to bring business. You have not done your job. I am sorry, we can't keep you. You may leave. You'll be paid 100 pounds as promised.

I was angry, my mouth had gone dry and I dint give a damn.

Me - You promised a hundred and fifty.

P - Whatever it is. Akash will give you the check. You can take your stuff and go now. Thank you.

Me - Thank you.

I bid goodbye to everyone. Left the place. I cried again. I felt helpless. Sitting on a bench, outside Stratford station, in the rush hour, I called dad.

Dad - Nidha, bitia.. this is the advertising world. Aisa hota hai. You cannot afford mistakes in such a competitive place. You were unlucky to be under that female. And you did make a few mistakes. You are still very naive for being here. But its alright. Cheer up. Take this as a lesson and move forward. Try finding another job soon. And remember this is not the end of the world. We are always there for you. I spoke to ma after that. She cried. I managed to calm her down.

I went home, told S everything. He cheered me up and we went on our usual long walks after dinner. I was jobless now. I stayed home for the next few days. Only during these time I realised I was living with a bunch of males. Some really ridiculous, brainless gits. There was one who fought with me every morning for going to the loo. There was one that hated to see me make my chai every morning. There was another who smelled so horrible, even the pigs would faint and the rest were non-existent. Poor S texted me during his work hours and called me a few times in his break times. He started coming early because he knew I would get bored.

I spent my days working on my assignments. In the day time when all the boys went to work I sat downstairs in the TV room. On one such day, my landlord came home. He told me he'd got someone to repair the phone wires. The other guy stayed outside the house while we both chatted.

L - You dont work?

Me - Not right now. I am busy working on some assignments.

L - Dont you get bored being alone here.

Me - Not really. There is so much to do.

L - Vaise you must be having a boyfriend. You're so beautiful.

Me - Ugh uh.. He he..

I had no idea how it happened, but in a flip second he came really close to me and ran his fingers through my cheek. My reflexes were slow. Still I somehow managed to push him back. I shouted at him and asked him to leave. He laughed it off and said 'Why you getting so angry. I'm leaving.' I was trembling with rage. I felt stupid, miserable, horrible and lost. I decided there and then that I'd leave. I couldn't stay there any longer.

I moved into a new place with friends I knew from Ahmedabad. R, A and P. They were my age, all working. They went to work in the day time while I stayed back home, studied, completed my assignments and surfed the internet. In the evenings I spent time with them watching movies or simply chit chatting. I was enjoying myself there. I felt much better than I had in the last few months.

But my stay here was fated not to last long. The owner of the house wanted me out of the house for reasons I couldn't comprehend. He tried playing dirty politics with me and once again I couldn't tolerate shit. I confronted him and he denied everything he had said. It was me against the rest staying in that house. It was horrible. I locked myself inside the little room until I found myself another house. The house owner had given me 15 days notice to move out. I shifted within a week.

August 2008 - Sep 2008

The new place belonged to a patel family. A young girl, his husband who was a decade older to her and a foot shorter than her and their 14 month old kid. On the first morning, I was annoyed to see the female come inside my room and watch tv at 8 in the morning!! I wanted to tell her to go away but going by my previous days events, I wanted to take it slow. As time passed I noticed that this lady made nothing but dal dhokli, alu ki sabzi, khichdi and theplas. I helped her knead the dough even when I was not supposed to do it. She did not let me wash my clothes whenever I would wish. She would say the electricity bill soars if the machine is used too often. There were days when she dint make food. I would sleep hungry or just have biscuits and water.

This is where I got myself a job in Macdonalds. It had mostly Bangladeshis, Pakistanis and Indians. Macdonalds was a great learning place. I worked for more than ten hours everyday. The pay was good and the money came in every fortnight. The people here had become friends. I remember one guy especially, Junaid. A very hard working, sincere looking boy. We spent alot of time on the till and were together during the closing hours. We talked about our lives back in our countries. It was great hanging out with him. The people in our shifts had even started doubting whether something was going on between us. I couldn't care less. I needed good company and he was a great one.

Because I spent more time at work and less time at home, I did not have to put up with my landlord. But she was a smart woman. She saw I worked long hours. And long hours meant more money. So one fine day when I came home she said she'd raise my rent.

Me - And why is that?

L - Because the electricity bill has doubled and we cant afford it.

Me - Then dont watch so much tv.

L - He he very funny. But if you are staying here you are paying me ten pounds more every week.

Me - And what for? For a bed and internet connection huh? More than half of my room is covered with your junk. When we finalised the deal, I was supposed to be living in the big room which now you have shifted in. You promised me food which you dont cook so many times and even if you do it is nothing different than khichdi. I do not pay you money for a bed, internet connection and khichdi.

L - The go find someother place!

Me - Yeah, why dont you find me one. Do whatever, I am not emptying this place.

I stormed out of the kitchen and banged my door shut. A few minutes later I went inside the kitchen to put my clothes to wash. After I had left I heard some clicks inside the kitchen again. I knew it was her. I went to check again. Yeah.. the bitch had thrown my clothes out and had put hers in. I was about to throw hers out and put my in when she barged in.

L - Don't you dare..

I threw her stuff out on the floor and looked at her sarcastically.

Me - I just did.

She called her husband for help. The loser did not have the required balls. He had expressions of someone who was stuck with the dame and had no option out. I pitied him but still continued screaming at his wife. By this time I was sitting at the fridge door, opening it to get some food. I was shouting back at her, opening the door and putting my hand inside the fridge to get my yoghurt out. I had been groping for it but because my hand dint land on it I turned a little to locate it.

In that split second something else happened which was more shocking than the ex-ex-landlord episode. The bitch slapped me. Her big stubby fingers hit hard on my right cheek and right side of the neck. Her nails gnaw under my lip, on my cheek and even a bit on the neck. I was bleeding. I was shocked but in my senses. I got up and hit her back. She was a hefty female. We were pawing at each other. Her husband came in then and pulled us apart. I ran to my room and called my dad up and on his suggestion, I called my aunt. Aunt was on her way to pick me up. I emptied the cupboards, packed my laptop, my vessels and my laundry clothes and put all of it my suitcase.

Meanwhile I waited, I called up the cops. I told them what happened. They said they would be there but it would take time. Aunt arrived and we left. The husband helped us get the luggage down. He apologized for his wife's behavior. I was too angry to forgive anyone then.

My life had come a full circle. I came back to where I had first left.

Being Independent... Part 3

The next day I reached office at ten minutes to 9. P started the day with an orientation session. He took me around and introduced me to members of his staff. A small team of middle-aged to considerably old uncles and aunties formed his core team. There were 3 reporters, 2 graphic designers, 4 advertising executives, all of whom had been there for more than two years. The oldest ones were there for as long as 19 years! They had been with P since the inception of AV. The woman under who I was going to train was A, the youngest of all and P’s favourite employee.

When I came face to face with her I was a little shocked. Had I met her anywhere else, I wouldn’t have bothered looking at her. She was such an ordinary looking female with nothing particular that could interest anyone. She said hello to me and my head suffered from internal conflicts. How could this dame be P’s favourite employee? Some old romance.. I thought. But seriously, I got an improper vibe from her. I would have been happier had I worked with the south Indian chap who was smarter and pleasant to speak with. This woman.. boy.. I knew I was gonna have some major issues with her.. I just knew it!

P left me with her and she explained to me what was I supposed to do. I was basically going to call people for payment. In my hand was a list of more than 100 companies/shops/stores who had advertised with us but had not not paid up for a number of reasons.

S was right about A. He had warned me about her. She trapped people, made them sign on for full page/half page ads for 3/6/12 months, got first half of the payment. And when the clients did not get the required response, they stopped paying, she dint bother and the rest of the payment never came in. Like this, she had a long list of dissatisfied clientèle. She brought in the highest revenue for P every month, but only on papers. Thousands of pounds were still stuck but just because she had a clout, she was a sweet talker and had a brilliant network, P was only too eager not to let her go.

Anyway, as soon as I received the list, I knew S was right again. This woman was in deep shit but had somehow managed to keep her head from sinking inside it!

A – You will call them up and see to it that they send the payment across.

Me – Alright.

A – You will pick up calls for me. If I am not around dont ever pass the phone to anybody else. This is our clients understand. I will give a few subscriptions to you and a few smaller ads which you can show to P as your leads at the ends of three weeks.

Me – Ok.. thanks. That’s nice of you.

A – We are having a sales meet after lunch downstairs. You have to be there.

Me – Oh sure. I will be. Where exactly downstairs?

A – Just as you enter the office, you’ll see a set of stairs going down. Just climb down, that’s where we have our lunches. You know lunch is provided here don’t you?

Me – Umm.. no. I got mine today.

A – Dont get it from tomorrow. P’s wife cooks for everyone. But still.. come down and have your lunch with us.

Me – Sure, I’ll do that.

The lunch went alright. I did not eat much because I was thinking about my first sales meet. I don’t know why but I was nervous. I was not elated being part of AV. It was need that had led me to pursue this job. Until this time, I did not know what I loved doing the most, but I definitely knew advertising was not it.

At the sales meet P ran through the his revenue summary. A like always had generated the maximum. She seemed happy, the rest, maybe I imagined, dint care much. Everyone briefed P about their work. The meeting lasted for about half an hour. As we all began to disperse, P asked me to wait.

P – I want you to come up with a plan. A plan about how you can take AV forward. We are doing really well as a gujarati newspaper, but we need to come up with better English supplements. Your task would be to prepare a draft about the same.

Me – Sure, I shall do that.

P – I want you to do that by tomorrow.

Me – Sure. That will be done.

I had no idea what I was gonna come up with. I took away a few supplements for references. Spoke to S about it and somehow managed to come up with a list of ideas. P saw them, liked a few, frowned looking at some and discarded the few as he thought they were repetitive. I couldn’t say whether he was pleased or not. I was asked to leave the list with him. I did so and resumed work.

Cold calling is a waste of time. So is calling people on other people’s behalf for payment which they never bothered collecting because they were busy trapping other people who might/might not pay! But A dint come across as someone who really cared. She knew as long as the figures on paper kept rising, she was shining.

Her list was so long, I spent the rest of the week just calling people who asked me to call later in the evening or the day after or after two. Some even said they had made the payments. I noted every bit of it in a diary. I was more A’s secretary, coming every morning to the office, going through the list of people to call up, follow on, make another one for the next day and so forth and so on.

In between making calls, the only interesting thing I did was make advertisements. Yeah my first advert for this art/painting agency who wanted to sell their stuff online. I prepared a write-up for them, a nice little 100 words thingi which I even got appreciation for. It was published in the AV English edition and that was a moment of pride. Taking a detour here.. it was also my first time using an apple desktop.. I dint like it then though :P

Anyway, I was stupid! I had not gone there to write editorials nor was I there to make cold calls or follow on with A’s clients. MY FUCKIN’ JOB WAS TO HAVE MY OWN CLIENTELE, GET MY OWN LEADS AND GENERATE REVENUE..

Now this will sound like I’m blaming. Yes I am but my reasons are not unreasonable. I was new, I knew nothing about what was supposed to be done. I was training under her. She was supposed to tell me how to make new clients, get new leads, where to look, who to talk to, etc etc. She did none of that!!! Instead she had me wasting my time over her dead, gone, disappeared clients. I traveled two hours away from my normal office route to collect 70 pounds from some Indian mithai shop and when I returned P asked me – Did you get any subscriptions from there? I thought to myself – Was I supposed to? Haa well.. no appreciation..nevermind! I got on with more of the slack calling.

One day a black female called up A. She wanted to know if we would put her 'a kg for a pound 'worldwide freight ad in our gujarati newspaper. A gave me the paper she had written the matter on. I took it to the guy who translated it in gujarati. The black lady called up again to make changes in her adverts. This time she wanted us to say 'a pound per kg in Greenwich only. No pick ups from home.' The office was about to close, the paper had to be finalised. Everyone wanted to get his/her ad through. I pestered the graphic designer too much everyday because I ran to him every now and then for minor changes.

This time too, I was in line, hurrying to get the changes done. I got the first part of the ad right. I forgot to get the last line in and the ad went into print...

Being Independent... Part 2

May 2008 - June 2008

I moved to Stratford, the India of London. The decision of leaving my aunt's home was accelerated due to a series of events that I am not prepared to mention here but because leaving was unplanned, I had to settle down for what I thought was the best living option I could find. The house I moved into was among the several hundred on that street. Except for the numbers and a few shops nearby, no one could tell which house was which. All looked the same! You could tell the neighborhood belonged to Asians and Blacks. There were loud noises outside, pan ka galla at walking distance, Indian convenient store round the corner and a black/brown face where ever you looked. A white person here would feel out of place for sure!

Anyway that was the new locality. Quite a contrast to the quiet, sophisticated one I had just left. The house was small and I had to share it with 9 other people.. all of them boys. I was a bit apprehensive first but like I already mentioned this was the best option then. The reason I moved in there was because I knew this guy S who happened to be my college mates' boyfriend. They were living-in when I first met them a few months before I moved in here. He came across as helpful, faithful to his gf and more importantly genuine. When the time arrived to move out from my aunt's place I had called this friend of mine who had suggested I cud move into her house as she was moving out for good. It made sense, more so because I knew S. I took the plunge and shifted.

S is a graphic designer by profession who worked as one in some part of eastern london. In his duration of stay here he had made good number of contacts. Through his professional network he tried fit me into some place. I remember he sent me to this dance academy where they were looking for professionally trained dancers. He knew about my bharat natyam training and he suggested I should try that. I did as he told but on enquiring I found out that they weren't looking for a teacher but an extra dancer to join there bhangra dance troupe. The money would come in once we started performing on stage but that was not anywhere in the near future. We ruled out this option.

S- What happened to the CV u sent to Asian Voice?'

Me - Umm.. Haven't heard from them.

S - Did you follow on with A?

Me - No..

S - Send the CV again with a nice cover letter, addressing to the boss. Remember when you are drafting the letter, this guy has an inflated ego. Pamper it more. E-mail the CV to him. Call him after two days and insist he should give you one chance to prove yourself.

Me - Ok.

Asian voice is the largest selling Asian Newspaper in UK. S's gf, my classmate worked there as an advertising executive. Before leaving for India she had recommended me to her company. I had sent them my CV and was expecting a call from them but I was so preoccupied with the shifting and other things that I had forgotten about it completely.

Anyhow, I did as S advised me to. I forwarded my CV to the boss and called him up after two days.

Me - Hello, am I speaking with Mr. P

P - Yes, speaking.

Me - Sir, My name is Nidhi Kalra and I sent you my resume couple of days back. I was wondering if you had a chance to go through it.

P - Aah.. yes yes.. talk to Alka.. she needs an asistant ok..

He hung up.. just like that! I stared at the phone and sat down on the floor. I cried that day. S came back from work and I told him what all had happened. I hadn't eaten. He forced me and we ate together. On the table he tried convincing me to call again tomorrow.

Me - But why would he listen to me? He was just not interested!

S - Do as I say. Call him back tomorrow and this time tell him you would like to be given a chance. Tell him you want to meet him personally. After that he could guage what you are worth.

I was gittery, unsure, diffident and pessimistic. I still made the call because I had no option.

Mr. P - Hmmm.. your quite stubborn lady. See me tomorrow at 10 am sharp.

Me - Thank you Sir. I will be there at 10 am.. sharp :)

The next morning I went to see him. I was asked to wait outside his office, a pretty big one.. but then he was big himself.. a mini celebrity in the Indian diaspora. While I waited I went through the Gujarati and English edition of Asian Voice. They were displayed on a rack outside his cabin. I began admiring the supplements which they did, I mentally began re-writing them. My reverie was interrupted by Mr. P.

Him - Come inside Nidhi

Me - Good morning Sir. (I smiled)

Him - Morning. Please have a seat.

(I sat down. His office was a simple one. Neither chic nor ordinary. A simple one with a certificate of excellence awarded to Asian Voice hanging on the wall above him and the latest copy of Asian Voice in front of him. Next to the papers was the hard copy of my resume. He looked at it, pretending to study, ploughing for the part where I had written good stuff about his company. He looked happy and I secretly thanked S for showing me the way into this man's mind.)

Him - What are your views about this place girl? You really think it is a great place or...

(miraculously I did not fumble. For the very first time I spoke what I had practiced to speak)

Me - Sir, I know this is the largest selling asian newspaper in the entire UK. According to me it is not an ordinary feat. Infact I feel you are doing great community work by bringing to the asians the news back from their country. The old especially who are at home, for them your publications are a blessing. What better than giving them a feeling of home away from home. And you have been so instrumental in doing this. It is certainly commendable.

(I smiled and he smiled back.)

Him - Your CV here says you have taken up advertising, marketing and journalism as majors. We will be needing your marketing and advertising skills but I am not sure whether we will need your journalism skills for now.. we just hired an Indian girl recently. Does our fashion column, very talented. Worked with economic times before coming here. Yeah, but we do have a vacancy for advertising assistant and we are looking for smart young people like you.

I was fuckin' beaming!!! Did he just say that! I was all smiles.

Me - It would be an honor to be part of this organisation. I can give you my word, you will not be disappointed.

Him - Yes I already have that feeling. (after a pause) Nidhi, you have the fire in you. If things go as planned we might hire you for good and who knows in an years time by the time you are done with your studies we'll keep you here on an hsmp.. we might just do the paperwork for you.. who knows!

I have a deal for you. I will keep you here under training for 3 weeks. I will pay you stipend. A hundred and fifty pounds per week and I will observe you. If you are good you'd stay.

Me - Sure Sir, I give you my word. I am pretty sure I am here to stay for good. :)

He looked at me and after a while asked..

Him - Are you agressive about what you want in life?

I looked straight in his eyes and said to him 'Yes Sir, I am... very aggressive'

Him - Great girl. I am looking forward to working with you. Your training starts from tomorrow. Be here at 9 am sharp.

Me - Thank you Sir! I will be here at 9 am. Have a good day. I shall see you tomorrow.

Him - You too. Bye.

Being independent... part 1

"Oh, so you live alone?"

"No, with my extended family."

"Oh, so planning to go to America anytime soon?"

"No such plans..and technically I cannot so yeah.. I am here for good I guess."

"Oh, but it must be really hard to be alone, away from family..."

"This is family too and I am very happy here. :)"

"Oh... ok :)"

"Lekin yaad to aati hogi..."

"Yeah.. :)"

"Why don't you get married to some american guy, maybe then you can go there."

(Whew! There they go again! Did I say I am desperate to go to USA?? No na! Then whyyyy..anyway)

"He he.. No. I am not interested in that sort of marriage. And I am not desperate to go to US either. I'll go when I'll go."

"Oh.. ok :)"

":)"

A very typical conversation that I have had with almost every new uncle, aunty, relative that I have met in the last one year of stay in India. Sometimes I feel they are too loud with their concerns regarding me being here because one they never have asked me how exactly I feel living on my own and two even if they knew they wouldn't believe me because it doesn't really go well with their conventional set of mind.

I have been living away from parents for the last two years. For me all of it has come in the course of life but when I talk to people their opinion of me living away from my family is quite pitiable. For them its a given that a girl who could not go fly to states because the embassy did not allow is very sad and a worrying matter. For indians especially the concept is still unacceptable.. more because they see that I am not complaining neither frantically shouting out to every other person that I want to go to USA.

This will come as a surprise to a lot that it wasn't that I could not go to USA but that I did not want to go to USA.

I ain't prejudiced but even when the first papers for the US filing process arrived I was dead against the idea of flying there. I still cannot put my finger on one thing and say this is why I don't want to go but settling in USA never crossed my mind. Like my ma says, god definitely nodded to that, circumstances conspired and they flew to US. I on the other hand chose to do a masters in UK. And since then I have been living on my own.

Oct 2007- April 2008

Staying in UK brought out that street smart kid in me. The girl who wouldn't move a finger now got up before the alarm went off, got ready, packed her own meals and even tidied her room. I worked part time, got myself a bank account, frequented the bank to deposit and withdraw money. I travelled in the tubes(london underground) on my own, learnt to smile at strangers without it look like an invitation, basically became aware of the wide world around me. The changes were many but none were imposed, nor did I ever feel pressurised by them. What the circumstances demanded I became. Everybit that I learnt to do myself gave my confidence a boost. Every new move was like an 'ahan' moment which affirmed my pre-conceived notions of me.

No more did I have a mom fussing over me, a dad pampering me neither a sister who I bossed around or stole the limelight from ;). And the best thing was.. I dint miss it! Infact I was excited with the new life.

Meeting new people everyday, hearing different english accents, sitting with kids from 25 different nationalities was an experience. The study environment was so different, the teachers personified the word cool, the college was technology-wise way ahead then what I had ever experienced and all of this combined with a zeal to experience all of it made me fall in love with this independence all the more.

My aunt's household was freakishly open. Being a working woman herself she encouraged me to do things on my own. I started by helping her in the kitchen(which I never did back in India), cleaning and tiding the house, going out grocery shopping with her and doing all the multi tasking with ease. She was such a hyper, workoholic female seeing whom run the domestic errands just as well sort of inspired me.

My independence was put to test when I stepped out of my aunt's house...

Jarred.. it is

I am sooooooo stuck up, my head refuses to think, reason, resolve. Its distracted... Big time!!!

And it feels as if everyone is my enemy... yuk yuk

Am stuck.. need help!

First I was struggling to find time to start with the assignment and now I am struggling with what to write. I enrolled in Writer's Bureaus' creative writing course last October. For the first one month, I read through the first module. I was supposed to start with the first assignment but did not because of work and social engagements. This being the years start and I am trying to do some good for myself have restarted with the course again. My first assignment is pretty simple. It is 300 words on why I want to write, what do I hope to learn from the course and what are my ambitions for the future. Looks quite easy but I am unable to figure out the first part of the question. Why do I want to write???

Had it been someone asking me the same I would have said because I want to write. But I guess just 'wanting' won't suffice!

Can anyone help me? My head is like... jarred.