Being independent... part 5

September 2008 - till date

By the time I was back in Reading it was midnight. The cops called me and asked what did I wish to do with the female. They could not take her to the police station just because I said she hit me. I had to be there as a witness.

Cop - If you drag her to the police station just because you had a tiff over washing machine, it would take up a lot of your time and money.

I was in no mood to explain to the man that it was much more than just a tiff!

Me - I dont want to go that far. I just wanted to scare her. Thank you and sorry for having troubled you.

The house was full of chatter. Aunt was on phone with ma. Ba(aunt's mother-in-law) and uncle gathered around me, saying everything would be fine. Aunty came into the living room where we all were seated and handed me the phone. It was dad on the other side.

Dadda - Nidha, tu thik haina?

Me - Hmmm.. Ekdam

Everything inside me had suddenly come to a halt. I wasn't sad, depressed nor angry. Surprisingly I felt perfectly alright... Stable would be a better word.

Dadda - Now that you are back here, remember one thing. Do not try and change anyone around you.

Something had changed inside me. I did not defend myself this time.

Me - Hmmm.

Dadda - Remember you have gone there to study. Remember you are not there for anything else but studying. Prioritise yourself now. You have to get done with this degree. You have three months remaining. Think of nothing else but that. Alright?

Me - Yes.

Dad - Here, talk with ma.

Ma was in tears. Her voice was shaky, her head must be jarred. She must have wanted to come right to me and take me in her arms.

Ma - Dont try finding jobs and dont worry about money. We'll send it to you. Just stay back home and study.

Me - Hmmm.. I am going to sleep now.

Ma - Haan mera raja beta..(I just loved to listen to that from her!) so ja tu ab jaake. Aur bilkul chinta mat karna.

It was after 1. The noises had died down. I took my night clothes and went upstairs to the room which belonged to me once. It was taken over by Nij, my older cousin. He wasn't there that night so I slept there. I got inside the bed and under the quilt. As I lay my head on the soft fluffy pillow, tears welled up my eyes. I don't remember for how long I stared in the dark but the silence and darkness had me rewind everything that had happened in the last whole month.

Just a few months back I had left this place with a broken heart and nothing but a thousand pounds in my bank account. I lacked direction, I lacked confidence and I lacked awareness. I was spontaneous, i was impulsive and I followed what I thought was my heart. It lead me into ugly situations and what happened in the end? I am still lying on the same bed and things around me are still the same. My aunt's household dint change one bit, neither did anything else. I guess that was a moment of realisation.. I am not in control of anything or anyone. All I can change is me.

Dad had said ' Kabhi kabhi kuch chakkar pure hone hote hain. Shayad yeh wahi tha. Life hai, hota hai. Girna bura nahi. Lekin zaruri hai girke uthna. Aage badhte raho.'

The next few months I studied so much that it surprised me as well. I had a fixed routine. I had got myself a part time job which had random shifts. I generally used to stay up late and do my research for the dissertation and wake up early to go to work. I hardly slept for more than 5 hours everyday but the good thing was I never felt drained. I was enjoying every bit of it. I frequented the library more than ever. I spent hours reading and collecting data. I spent alot of time scribbling my thoughts on paper, I remember I had filled up so many tissue napkins with my ideas about my thesis. I had come to a stage where I ate, drank, slept and breathed dissertation. For the first time ever I was working hard to produce an original piece of work. And that I reckon was the start of doing everything that way.

These months were also my last months in UK. Because the last few months of my stay here were so crap and because I had a very fluctuating state of mind and also because after all the crap I had arrived at a point when every ugly thing had finally passed away, I was calm and I wanted to remain like that always. The no-happy-no-sad stage where I had arrived I wanted to be at that for ever.

Dad had suggested I could go to Bihar Yog peeth or Sawmi Ram's Sadhana Mandir in Rishikesh. I googled both of them up and found out that my dissertation end date and the Self Transformation Program in Sadhana Mandir dates were quite close. I contacted them and got myself enrolled for the course.

On 15th of December I submitted my dissertation. On 30th of the same month I left UK for good.

STP at SM gave me exactly what I was looking for. And Ganasan Sir(who I address as G) is the person who gave me a very clear path to follow.

After landing in Ahmedabad and after finding my first job, I recollected so many things that G said I was empowered with -

My fears had dissolved. I had no issues with who thinks what when I was confused. I understood I could be wrong and my biggest hang-up of not asking questions disappeared.

I had become lady-like which for people who know me for long would be quite surprising.

I was articulate with words and confident unlike before.

The most important thing which I feel that every working person needs to understand is the importance of what to speak, where to speak and how much to speak. I had started doing that and significantly effortlessly.

As I finish of this last part I am reminded of my blog 'Encounters' where I wrote about a thousand situations I would face and a thousand people I would encounter. Then I longed for being on my own. But after having experienced a bit of life I was really on my own.

I reckon I have waited for becoming independent for long now. Sometimes I wonder whether it was this desire that triggered of these circumstances or was it fated to be that way because I am a strong believer of the fact that most of the things in life are planned. Whatever it was, I have come to a stage where I am at my best when left alone. I have learnt to befriend myself, I shop alone, I spend hours without actually missing anyones company. And mind you by saying this I don't mean I am an anti social person. I equally enjoy conversations, I love food and movies and for the girl-gene I love gossiping too. I guess I have just found a way to strike a balance between the two.

And when I have the best of both the worlds here, why would I want to fly away to USA? I might be living away from my family but like everything else this is also a phase.. where the priorities have shuffled for a while until the circumstances conspire to bring forth a situation which is in favor of me and them!