"Oh, so you live alone?"
"No, with my extended family."
"Oh, so planning to go to America anytime soon?"
"No such plans..and technically I cannot so yeah.. I am here for good I guess."
"Oh, but it must be really hard to be alone, away from family..."
"This is family too and I am very happy here. :)"
"Oh... ok :)"
"Lekin yaad to aati hogi..."
"Yeah.. :)"
"Why don't you get married to some american guy, maybe then you can go there."
(Whew! There they go again! Did I say I am desperate to go to USA?? No na! Then whyyyy..anyway)
"He he.. No. I am not interested in that sort of marriage. And I am not desperate to go to US either. I'll go when I'll go."
"Oh.. ok :)"
":)"
A very typical conversation that I have had with almost every new uncle, aunty, relative that I have met in the last one year of stay in India. Sometimes I feel they are too loud with their concerns regarding me being here because one they never have asked me how exactly I feel living on my own and two even if they knew they wouldn't believe me because it doesn't really go well with their conventional set of mind.
I have been living away from parents for the last two years. For me all of it has come in the course of life but when I talk to people their opinion of me living away from my family is quite pitiable. For them its a given that a girl who could not go fly to states because the embassy did not allow is very sad and a worrying matter. For indians especially the concept is still unacceptable.. more because they see that I am not complaining neither frantically shouting out to every other person that I want to go to USA.
This will come as a surprise to a lot that it wasn't that I could not go to USA but that I did not want to go to USA.
I ain't prejudiced but even when the first papers for the US filing process arrived I was dead against the idea of flying there. I still cannot put my finger on one thing and say this is why I don't want to go but settling in USA never crossed my mind. Like my ma says, god definitely nodded to that, circumstances conspired and they flew to US. I on the other hand chose to do a masters in UK. And since then I have been living on my own.
Oct 2007- April 2008
Staying in UK brought out that street smart kid in me. The girl who wouldn't move a finger now got up before the alarm went off, got ready, packed her own meals and even tidied her room. I worked part time, got myself a bank account, frequented the bank to deposit and withdraw money. I travelled in the tubes(london underground) on my own, learnt to smile at strangers without it look like an invitation, basically became aware of the wide world around me. The changes were many but none were imposed, nor did I ever feel pressurised by them. What the circumstances demanded I became. Everybit that I learnt to do myself gave my confidence a boost. Every new move was like an 'ahan' moment which affirmed my pre-conceived notions of me.
No more did I have a mom fussing over me, a dad pampering me neither a sister who I bossed around or stole the limelight from ;). And the best thing was.. I dint miss it! Infact I was excited with the new life.
Meeting new people everyday, hearing different english accents, sitting with kids from 25 different nationalities was an experience. The study environment was so different, the teachers personified the word cool, the college was technology-wise way ahead then what I had ever experienced and all of this combined with a zeal to experience all of it made me fall in love with this independence all the more.
My aunt's household was freakishly open. Being a working woman herself she encouraged me to do things on my own. I started by helping her in the kitchen(which I never did back in India), cleaning and tiding the house, going out grocery shopping with her and doing all the multi tasking with ease. She was such a hyper, workoholic female seeing whom run the domestic errands just as well sort of inspired me.
My independence was put to test when I stepped out of my aunt's house...
4 comments:
It's completely Delectable...i always had pessimism in my thoughts about parental care and a grown up mind. i have had an opinion that i am the only one who have grown up without any parental irrigation, and could say i am, who i am it's only because of myself. But no i was wrong, and now i know i was always wrong. i heard that nostalgia is fatal disease, if it dominates your views it makes you, your enemy and if you dominates it no can picture better life than you would live. So thanks for hasten the love i had for my loved ones.
Hope you good, get better in life and be the best. God bless.
Though I must confess that I dont digest drastic changes in life that easily, your description does make it sound very exciting..
Well as for being up against the conventional mindset, people who are unconventional almost always face that, with time one learns to take it in one's stride.
A lot of people have this habit of subconsciously putting themselves in someone else's shoes and trying to think from their perspective. At times I've been chided for my choices and views and been told, "That does not go with your image", which I still don't understand how and why. But yours is a different issue, and a bit more complicated too, the decision you took is something that most people cant imagine themselves taking had they been in your position, or if I can frame it correctly, a decision that they cant imagine themselves taking had they been a girl. So by putting themselves in your position while they are trying to sympathise with you, they infact are, unknowingly irritating you. (However, I do second your idea that getting married just for a visa is downright absurd!) As long as you are happy with what you have thought for your life, what others feel or imagine is hardly of any significance.
By the way, you might want to modify your reply to that oft asked question. When you agree that not getting a visa isn't the only reason for you not going to the US, then why not add another line about the other main reason- "I am not particularly interested in going there either."? That sets everything clear and avoids the later flow of questions about marriage, etc. I know you did say that later in the conversation, but may be saying that right upfront at the beginning would probably seal the deal.
And finally nice way to end part one. The last line creates a lot of curiosity. Hopefully part two will come before it gets the better of me. :P
hey i completely agree with sameer...you took a very tough and an uncommon but a brave n bold decision...n you should actually say it upfront that you are not interested in gng abroad...And being independent is actually a great feel...i had some of that during mah 2 months trip...n you really ended part 1 like a harry potter novel...you just think of when the next sequel is gng to come...so eagerly waitingfor the nxt part....kep writing...
Pavan - Hi. I was waiting to finish this entire thing and then reply to everyone. First of all thanks for stopping by. I am glad you found my post 'delectable' and I also hope you have read the rest of them. I second your thoughts about the role of parents in life. I do not need to label them as a priority anymore. They are and will always remain the two most important people in my life. Regarding being independent, well I was never wanting to do anything drastic to prove I could take care of myself. The turn of events was such that being on my own came naturally. And when that happened it was a very welcome change. I dont know if you think the same way but I feel it is extremely important to be able to think from your own head and take your own decisions.. the consequences which happen later, good or bad, only can give you the right direction. And you are right.. nostalgia, clinging onto things, wishing and longing can only take you one place-backwards. And I am not going there. I am glad I was able to hasten your love for your parents. Thanks once again for stopping by.:)
Samir - You know going to london was such a quick decision that even before the effects of it could sink in I had already landed in the country. Two years back I was unclear about alot of things in my life, u know just like any 20 year old who has never stepped out of the house and never been faced with odds be. But I have realised there are certain things which lie dormant in you until the situation arises..like with me, I never knew I could be sincere.. I always believed I was an escapist..but when in the middle of circumstances I behaved quite differently. Leaving mannerisms acquired over two decades is always a task, I had my days when I was down, infact there was a phase when there wasnt a single night that I did not cry. No sane person wants to be in a situation that bad and if they are I am sure..thodi taklif to har kisiko hoti hai. So yes, the changes that came about were welcome but the way the came about was not as smooth as I would have expected.
About answering back to people, you have no idea the way I have retorted to people. Its after several trials that I have understood people will only see what they want to, they will only understand what they wish to. So I don’t really worry about giving explanations to anyone anymore. If they refuse to see the general happy face of mine, if they cannot comprehend ‘i am very settled and I have no plans to fly to US in an abnormal way’ then that is their headache.
Nikhil – Trust me there is nothing more liberating then doing what you really love. Because then there are no pretence, no effort and no thought. You just are and thats the way to be.
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