I treated myself to a complete meal. Gobi, alu ki sabzi, Moong ki daal, Chawal, Roti, Salad, Dahi which is not here in the picture.

I'd mention Guddu's name, Guddu aka Nitin Sir who was constantly instructing me on phone while I was making all this. The recipe's are his'. Thank u guddu! Thank u sooo much!

Moving in

It took me less than a week to get all the essentials in the house working. It'd take me another 4 days to buy more essentials, shift my stuff from here to there and organize stuff in the new home. It takes just a bit of planning, some running around and you can have everything working smooth. Ofcourse I am not neglecting the fact that I totally skipped the ordeal of looking for a new home.. I am just moving into an old/familiar space.. anyhow the place is absolutely new if you consider that I'd be looking after it all by myself.

Haa.. anyway tomorrow's update is that I will go apply for internet. Whose name it will be registered in is still not decided. Badi ma has given me recipes to make sabzi and dal. Which reminds me I'll have to hunt for more vessels tomorrow.

I transfer my cosmetics bag, my files, clothes which I dont wear here.. to the new flat.

And tomorrow I will do alot more things. :)

I'll have a new postal address soon :)

Yes, its final.. I am finally shifting into my old home. The idea to move had been in my head since a long long time. It never saw the light of the day because of a number of reasons. But two days back, I got talking with my house people and somehow managed to tell them that its time I moved. Surprisingly, not one of them objected. And consequently, I began the shifting process two days itself. :)

On Saturday, I went maid-hunting. Going by my experiences with maids, I did not expect finding a maid simple. I approached my old maid, the one who worked for us for more than a decade and she did promise to send somebody to my place for sure. The female she sent is pretty docile. She has never worked, she is slow but this one time she cleaned my house, she cleaned it like her own. Maybe it was the first day and her first time, she dint mind putting that extra effort. Maybe as time passes she'd be like others. But so far she looks alright. I am still to work out how much I would pay her. I en quired with my neighbors and they said regular rates were 250/- for jhadu-pota, 250/- for bartan and 250/- for kapde dhona.

Today evening I had an electrician at home who fixed the gas stove and the aqua guard and charged me a fortune for it! I was expecting it to be somewhere around 500 bucks but a thousand and 25 bucks seemed ravenous!! Ofcourse I had my doubts and suspicions and i refused to pay to him, not until I had done doing my detective work. :P

There are two more things, actually three major things that need to be attended to before I move into this flat. The refrigerator needs to be fixed, I need to have a gas cylinder, otherwise how will I cook and I need to buy grocery. Grocery.. whew! I need to make a list of all I need, the basic stuff soon.

Tomorrow I will have the electrician come over in the evening to check the fridge. He said I would need to change the compressor(and charged me 4k for that!) and I told him, we'd try fixing the refrigerator because I don't think it needs the compressor to be changed and he has agreed to do whatever to save me from spending that 4k. Let's see, i'll have to wait until tomorrow.

I am excited about something... something worthwhile, something that I have planned for a long time now. Something that will give me my much needed space, a sense of ease, a sense of responsibility and a lot of boost to my self esteem.

I am really excited. :)

To write it down and keep the suspense is just my way to keep the excitement alive. I post the blog today only because today is the day the dream has begum to materialise. Today is very very important!

Will keep this space updated.

The celestine prophecy is true!

I stopped reading "Break ke baad" ka review and came here to quickly blog. Why? Because the review said something like this : "But this movie is not just about temporary break-ups or how time away can get a couple to appreciate each other better (as you would've expected). It feeds on the alluring idea of exploring the unknown within us while following one's dreams. And that is exactly what Aaliya wants to do. Having dated just Abhay ever since, her life feels incomplete and she needs a break. Not necessarily to date other people but to experience a different life in an unknown world. Gold Coast tourism board and an Australian university come to the rescue with some not-so-subliminal in-film advertising and Aaliya is on her way to the land of beer and beaches (and to pursue a course in mass communication) for a year."

Mass communication for an year in Australia... breaking up with the boyfriend to explore that unknown side. To connect with the insides... the insights spoken of in the book "the celestine prophecy" that talk about being full within instead of looking for someone to complete you on the outside.

Isn't this a co-incidence to find a movie on the same line of thought while I am reading a book which explains a similar phenomenon? It only proves the theories explained in the book right. The book asks people to read the signs, the co-incidences which happen to often, the people you chance upon so often.. they all bring a message which would be an answer to the current questions in your head. This concept is repetitively explained in the book and so believably, some of it I have read and almost shrieked that it has happened to me as well!!

The book has come to me at a very appropriate time. For starters it has come to me because I am ready. For a lot of reasons I can relate my current thoughts to what they were when I had gone in for STP in rishikesh. All those deep insights I had about my life, all the things I learnt from ordinary experiences, every weird thought I was apprehensive to share with anyone got affirmed in SM. The same has happened to me after reading The Celestine Prophesy. It is helping me unlearn, unknot and review everything in my life as one big story.

The beauty of reading words that are so simple and easy to understand is that you have already experienced all of it in motion.

Isn't it a delight to have someone describe your emotions for you and that too so flawlessly?

And when you find the perfect words.. the celestine prohesy proves to be right once again. Like the review concludes the flavor of the movie for everyone by these words "before finding the one for you, go find yourself. "

Perfect!

How Goa happened

The idea to go Goa and that too in a car was of a friends'. He, like a few of the close buds knows about my illogical travel desires, but that that he is an equally crazy traveller, I re-discovered when he called me and proposed this idea. Why I use 're' is because he himself happens to be a mountaineer, an expeditioner. 10 years back I first met him at a trekking camp where he was a coach and we have been friends ever since.

So yeah, he proposed the idea and instantly I connected with it. To drive down to the land of beaches, firangs and all things crazy with a set of enthusiastic friends seemed like a great idea. The coming weekend we gathered at Sahdev's house-the one who made the plan and to my delight he had got maps of Maharashtra and inside Goa. The vibe in the house was so amazing... I touched wood atleast 10 times everytime I heard them discuss Goa. We spread the maps on the floor we sat around it scanning the route with our fingers. According to the plan we would be leaving Ahmedabad and be reaching Lonavala that night, leave next morning and reach Goa in the evening. We would stay there for 3 nights, 4 days and start the return journey on the 5th day and be back home by the 6th evening. A few days later Sahdev called me up to give me another brilliant news. He had managed to find a flat not very far from Calengute beach. It had 2 air conditioned bedroom and a fully functional kitchen and it was costing us 2000 per night!! 2000 between the 5 of us seemed like a dream! This was beginning to be the most economical first travel trip I was ever going to get to be part of!

Why economical is so much of a turn on is because my life is still about priorities. Just 15 days back I got my 3 year old cell phone repaired because otherwise I would had to spend a fortune buying a new one and keeping in mind my current expenses plus the Goa trip, I could not afford that. So to have a flat in Goa definitely came as a good news. We quickly did the maths and concluded that the per head per night expense reduced greatly because we would not be staying in hotels anymore.

With the route and the stay sorted, the trip materialized in front of my eyes more clearly. To discover that your friends are crazy about travelling as much as you are is a boon. To have people who are eccentric yet organised is a blessing. I was besotted by the enthusiastic vibe which was brimming in the room the other night when we all sat discussing the trip. You know when you wish for something and it suddenly takes place you are sort of scared to touch it fearing it would crumble or it maybe your illusion. I had similar feelings about the discussions. I had planned a travel trip but one this perfect! God definitely heard my prayers!

Another interesting thing to know is how Goa has affected each one of us. Collectively, it has been a lot of getting together and re-planning the plan(only because it feels good :D). Individually we all have are different ways of expressing our eagerness. Sahdev, the one brimming with child-like enthusiasm has set Goa pictures as his wall paper. He sends me pics from his last visit to Goa and keeps pinging me on gtalk ever too often just to say in his typical style, "Darlingggggggggg, 5 days to go!!" :P. Laxmi is hoping she fits into the denim shorts Sahdev got for her(they are a couple btw) from janpath. She is the most level headed amongst us 5. Next comes Samarth, Aditi's husband, who looks docile at first glance but is fun loving. He poses along with us while we pretend to plan, think, plan GOA. Aditi, has gone on a diet spree, just to fit into those 'chote kapde' and me... I have begun to pen down details, I am gearing myself for all there is to come. I am mentally preparing myself to finally set out on a journey I have always waited to be on.

Goa and the way it makes me feel :)

Eat Pray Love is so close to what I have felt that it has made me cry. To read words that you have said to some one somewhere, to hear Julia's alter ego speak to her like mine has spoken to me at some point and time, to have those moments of realisation that I need to change, to set out on a quest to look within, it is all that I can relate with. Its like seeing my own life unfold scene by scene.

As I was watching, I thought of the moments when I told myself I would set out to travel, that I will travel solo. I thought of the number of times I swore to myself secretly that I would be a serious travel writer, the number of times I made plans to go on weekend trips or diwali hols only to see them go down the drain and then going to a supermall and buying shorts and tee and telling to my friends this is for my goa trip.. I have had it planned in my head so much, so many times, it had to materialise.

Today when Julia was telling her friend in the movie about how strongly she felt the need to travel to 3 places, I felt fantastic. When she relished on her pastas in Italy, when she piled on weight and dint give a damn, when she missed her love, when she sat in Augustine's cave and wondered about her own life, when she gorged on food and along with this learnt to speak Italian fluently, I felt that unquestionable faith re-instate inside me. Her stay at the secluded indian ashram, her awesome friendship with Richard from texas her meditation cum last dance with her husband and her purpose to come to India being fulfilled and at last the wild elephant coming to her was like Gods affirmations for all the hours of meditation she put in there.

Julia's lessons with Bali's medicine man Ketut Liyer, her destiny that leads her to meet The Man who she finally ends up being with takes me to another planet. The concept to travel solo is so beautiful from the start. The way the journey is laid out is so flawless. How can you go wrong when you consciously set out on a mission to search within you. How many do that? How many Elizabeth Gilbert's out there? I will hesitantly raise my hand here. I might not have plans to write a book on my own life, love and loss but I definitely want to go exploring the world. The nomad in me is always groping for those moments of solace, those times walking alone in flea markets in some hippie land, those lazy times sipping a cup of coffee sitting inside a shack while withdrawing my gaze from the distant ocean, of having to listen to guitar at night near the fire on the sea shore... hmmmm

I am already in Goa!!

The connection between human relationships and spirituality is soooo intricate and essential but its a shame no one and trust me no one wants to even begin knowing those angles. People at large believe spirituality is some sort of magic, yog is aerobics, pranayam, most don't know what to make of it and meditation is for the old and helpless.

Everytime I hear people speak of Yog-'a' or pranayam, I miss listening to the real reasons why people resume to any of it. Everytime I see a person do anulomb-vilomb incorrectly, everytime I see someone breathe through mouth or sit in an incorrect posture thinking its sidhhasan, I want to correct it. Not one says Yog benefits him spiritually, not one talks about pran and not a single one speaks of the benefits of Yog at a spirit level. And when the basis of why you do any of it is not clear, how on earth will you know in what way it is benefiting you. And if you don't know how it benefits you how will you see the changes inside you.

Some days I feel my blog should be dedicated to the study of human emotions because everyday there is so much to learn from ordinary life that if I sit down to talk about each of it at length, I will end up writing a thesis.

Everyday my focus shifts from love to anger to pretense to generosity and I try connect all of it to spirituality and try making sense of it all. What spirituality means and how being spiritual affects all the aspects of one's nature has always intrigued me. How asan practice combined with correct pranayam and regular meditation helps in bringing about subtle changes inside you is what I keep verifying within myself. And the more I verify things the more the surroundings seem unreal to me. The more are the reactions of people to their everyday situations appear exaggerated to me. The more people at large appear like escapists to me.

When a person is at peace with himself, when he stops proving to everyone around him what he wants to be and when a person accepts himself totally, the world around him automatically calibrates itself to his convenience. Is this even gyaan? Maybe for people who are too busy trying to fool themselves regarding everything they are incapable of doing, for them this might be some sort of spirituality.. well the good news is.. spirituality is nothing but this. Go ask any sadhvi, he will ask you too accept first and then work towards other things. And if there is acceptance, won't you automatically become more accomodating and if you are more accomodating wont you be more giving and if you are giving how can you not be happy? Its all a circle.. a big one.

How spirituality helps me.

It is funny when I think of it but I have not written much about spirituality. I have mentioned it casually but never pointed out the technicalities. Lately I have been discovering a lot of things about myself. Because I have been spiritually trained, I tend to pay too much attention to whats happening inside me. Being a Virgo and a spiritually inclined at that sort of ups my critical and introspective quotient. Sometimes I really think I have always been a natural at that and just hit home an year back when I first took a conscious step towards disciplining myself. And the disciplining has more than just worked.

For starters I am way to aware and can understand way too much. This sort of amuses me sometimes because I end up having multiple conversations with myself where I argue and counter argue. I play all parts and thats my way of understanding my life situations.

Coming back to spirituality, I don't think I can articulate enough words to really put the message across the way it should be put, but I am definitely putting out the effect it has on me for everyone else to read.

I am inconsistent with my spiritual practices and I consider that the biggest factor responsible for the way I deal with people around me and the way I deal with situations.

Now if I am consistent with my practices and if I dutifully do what I learnt back there then this is what I observe in me :

Nothing bothers me, nothing affects me strongly, there are hardly moments of doubts.

Through regular meditation I have been able to develop my intuition. By intuition I mean the subtle nag that directs action and thought.

I have a stabler mind.

I stop running fighting circumstances.

I am content.

I am able to concentrate one pointedly on the task at hand.

I can understand when the need to prioritise arises, when I need to halt, make shifts and re-prioritise stuff.

I ideate more.

I remain alert and aware all the time.

I think quickly, create and organise better.

I learn to break my thought process, re arrange the patterns and then continue arranging.

I listen more, do more.

I think less, be less impatient.

I learn to differentiate spontaneity from impulse.

And after all this and more there is this most important thing which is worth sharing :

There is a lot less of 'I' and more the realisation of it.

Fataak part 1 :P

I landed at the ahmedabad airport, weary of my decision. Was arriving in the city on the day of her birthday too obvious a thing? One part of me wanted her to understand I was doing this for her and the other was extremely apprehensive of her reaction.

I picked my luggage and made way to the exit. While I waited for the company car to arrive, I dialed her number. After a few tring trings she picked up.

"Hello", she said.

My heart skipped a beat.

"Hi, happy birthday yaar."

"Thanks." came her casual reply.

After a pause I said, "I am back in the city. I was waiting at the airport for the taxi to arrive and the phone screen blinked, said it’s your birthday so I called you."

I crossed my fingers and prayed. Had my cooked up story given me away. I had not forgotten even for a single second that 1^st was her birthday.

“Oh good for me you called. Thanks so much for calling.”, she said ever so sweetly and made my heart go fisssssssssh!!!

“So what’s the plan for the big day.” I asked, hoping for a party invitation.

“Well it’s my 25^th and I’d decided it to be special so I organised a small party for my close pals outside the city. It’s this heritage resort near Baroda. Will be staying the night, return tomorrow.”, she said.

A lump dropped in the pit of my stomach. Did she stress the words “close pals” deliberately or had I imagined? Oh no, I was fornicating. And then a huge virtual club hit my backside. It was my alter ego sniggering at the miserable failure of my plan. “And you thought she was waiting for her prince charming to arrive. She gives a shit dude! Fool of the highest order. Such a fucktard!!” it said laughing its devilish laughter.

“Achha, listen.”, I heard her say.

"Yeah, yeah what?”, I said, recovering from the virtual whack session.

“I need to go now. Need to check the arrangements one more time.”

“Sure”, I said trying to sound indifferent yet polite, “have a blast.”

“ Lets meet tomorrow.”, I blurted out and this time a club hit the left of my forhead. "Idiot! no self-respect." growled the AE.

I glared at the other me until it disappeared into oblivion.

“Thanks and sure lets meet. I will call you.”

She hung up. And the car braked in front of my apartments. I grabbed my luggage and the book wrapped in pink foil. Carried both with a heavy heart and walked to the elevator. I was dis heartened. But not defeated. So what if we din't meet today. I over-estimated her. Maybe she needs telling. Nevermind, I'll meet her tomorrow and give her the gift. My spirits lifted, I had arrived home.

Tomorrow I said to myself, tomorrow...

One way to pick a future is to believe its inevitable

It doesn’t help much when you take all the trouble upon you and then choke because you run out of breath.

Peer pressure you say, but that’s a choice you made.

You lived through all these years doing things you dint love and longing for things you showed no courage to make happen. Who is to blame?

Kismet, you say. Choice, I repeat.

You have no friends to make you laugh, nobody to share or vent out in front of. You say life is a drag. I say, it could have been otherwise.

You don’t dine out, you don’t socialise. According to you everyone is flawed. Restaurants mean luxury. Luxury you say, you cannot afford.

But then you go and buy yourself a new phone, a new tv, Gucci glasses that cost you a fortune.

And while you try those Gucci’s you bicker about alu-pyaz ke bhaav. Ha ha... hell yeah ‘mehengai’!!

You look at other people’s progress and say, aah he must have been corrupt. I tell you, change your definitions of truth/lies. You silently disagree. And I think to myself..phew! there goes my all my gyaan.

You crib and then you meditate and then you get depressed and then wonder why meditation is not working. How will it honey? It’s not years spent in learning from books but experience that takes you forward. Haven’t you understood it yet?

You say you love photography, you love to travel. And you blame your work load that has not been letting you pursue any of these....

Really? In 3 decades you could never take out time to take a short trip somewhere and do a bit of both? But then, you are not even a millionaire.

Choice, again?

How many more proofs you want to make yourself believe that you are the result of your own choices. If you are not happy with what you are today, why don’t you choose differently. What is it that stops you? Laziness, fear, what? I know you have given yourself enough excuses to believe that this is your kismet. But its choices my friend and only that.

How much of a friend are you to me is as much a friend you will remain...

I could have looked for a better post title but this seems right for I have spent years and years being friends with a handful few and this friendships day I would only like to renew my vows of friendship with them.

We started as little girls, we grew up together and spent most part of the decade hardly knowing each other. And today when we have grown older, discovered things about each we might not be very happy to have found out, we still stick around because discovering itself is is so immaterial!

To my gang DAD, I love you guys.

And to every one else - Have a fantastic time reviving and reconciling with good old chuddy buddies!

A few days back I watched I hate Luv stories. Yesterday afternoon I watched "Confessions of a shop-o-holic" and yesterday night I watched Inception. Reactions after watching the movies are "Get me a barf bag!", "Ugh uh for the shop-o-holic and batting eye lashes for the investment banker" and "Bollywood cannot compete with these goras. Amazing script, beautiful story-telling and mind-boggling graphics!!!" respectively.

Would like to add a bit more of a review for Inception because it deserves more. For some strange reason, right now, the only way I can compliment the movie is by saying Bollywood is primitive, hardly original and mediocre at even making a copy!! With every such movie made in Hollywood, the bars have been set high, and its sometime before Indians can even begin conceiving such ideas. Ofcourse the Indian dance and song sequences have caught the attention of the westerner, but I wonder how long can songs hold someone's attention? Some great Indian film critic said somewhere that "Indians are still to understand cinema and the art of story-telling." I couldn't agree more.

Eve teasing

If I begin to tell you people what happened today, I am sure half wont believe me! But girls trust me, if ever you have been stalked/stared at or harassed by wanna be's on road/on bikes/in the car/or any moving vehicle, this trick can do wonders.

I am sure most of the girls have been followed by guys on bikes/cars/sometimes even trucks more than once! Our first instincts are mostly to slow down and let them drive ahead of us or drive faster than them so that they cant follow us. Today was one of the those days and the guys in question were two men in police uniform on a bike. After trying to avoid their gaze, I was convinced I would stop by a traffic police wala and complain about them. Being stared by civilians gets me kicking their butts, these were police constables!! How irresponsible and totally intolerable!!! I was deciding when to stop and deciding what to tell them or the traffic guy, they had already crossed the guy and I followed them. And thats when it struck me... why was I trying to run away from these gits! Why on earth should I be taking all the pain to not look ahead and drive, so I drove exactly behind them, eyes on the pillion rider and I followed them like their shadow.

The effect -

The pillion rider thought I would go away. So he kept looking behind to check where was I. I tailed there bike like a shadow, honked and shooed others away in between and made sure they were not out of sight. The evil grin vanished from the pillion riders face, the turning of head was replaced by hesitant glances and he even once touched his back of the shirts(like I do when I am conscious when someone's staring there).

The one who was riding the bike, adjusted the rear view mirror. He stared into the mirror, I stared into his face in the mirror. His laughter vanished, I guess my unscathed stare unarmed him too and even he stopped staring. Finally, finally after tailing them for almost 15 minutes, I took a turn and they kept driving. And as far as I can remember, neither of them turned to get a second look.

Chaumasa nu aagmann amdavad ma

Looks like that atleast.

Everything is perfect. Life's good.

Happy Monsoons guys! :)

So much for eccentricity

What do you do when you plan a trip and it goes awry? If you were me you would Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeebbbbb and tell the whole world how useless the entire world is!!! And then when you are done venting you go out, shop for brown trousers, eat momos and sauted veggies drink some lemon daiquarri, vent out some more, go home, take the cousin out for getting mehendi doe on the hands, talk on the phone, tell some more people about the fiasco, make them laugh, return home, go online, play agony aunt to someone on facebook, skype with your best friend and cry your heart out about how the world is a cold ruthless place who does not understand the woes of a thirsty traveler/writer, watch 'How I met your mother', freak out, thank God, atleast Ted and Barney are eccentric, blog about it, fix a 4 meetings a week football session with a always-asking-for-pizza-treat pal and blog about that too!!!

An ode to Love

This poem is just what I could have used instead of words : PB Shelley's "To"

One word is too often profaned

For me to profane it;

One feeling too falsely disdained

For thee to disdain it;

One hope is too like despair

For prudence to smother;

And pity from thee more dear

Than that from another.

I can give not what men call love;

But wilt thou accept not

The worship the heart lifts above

And the heavens reject not, --

The desire of the moth for the star,

Of the night for the morrow,

The devotion to something afar

From the sphere of our sorrow?

Less of the real thing, more about the idea of it!!!

Relationships have always amused me and more often its people's perspectives about a particular feeling that gets me thinking. These days its love(or like??) between a man and a woman that has caught my attention. The context in which the word love is used has been transformed to such an extent, the intentions are so disguised its hard to tell whose looking for what.

There is so much ado about the priorities and ironically love has no place. Everyone is making plans for themselves, everyone is looking forward to a great career and love has taken a back seat full time. The irony comes when laws of attraction work despite the noise people make about 'no time for love'. Neither can they overlook it and nor does the mind let them surrender. So ways are worked out and things are carefully planned.

Planned! Love and planning... I guess so many thoughts have build up in my head, it had to peak and had to come out. And this is exactly what has been running through my head... infact much more..

Okhay... so you can't commit! You have your plans to make a great career, work is the only priority, love can wait sweetie... Yeah yeah... I have heard this more than I can remember. Tell me something new. Tell me something real, something believable.

But wait, how can you? Haven't you already blurred the lines between real and unreal? Haven't you already made sure you come across as fiercely independent, very focussed as long as work goes and extremely diplomatic when it comes to love. Don't you prefer partying and hanging out together to promising forevers? Don't you say 'love yous' too often and take great care not to add 'I's' to the phrase?

The hype that you create about love reminds me of milk powder ad commercials. Do you see real milk commercials? No na. The same is with love. Stop talking about it, start experiencing it!

How is it that you can go on flirting and flinch at the idea of spending the whole life together? Why do words like eternity and commitments send you running in the opposite directions? Do money, power and promotion have the same effect on you?

Do you realize the hypocrisy that is so much a part of you is not letting you experience the purest of the emotions? Do you know, perfectionism, that you are seeking, comes at a cost? And what freedom are you talking about huh? Do you leave home because your parents are strict? Why do you expect your girl friend to be so accommodating? Would you be as flexible as you would want her to be? You want everything that happens between normal couples, but you don't want to adjust like they do.

Why such ironies?

Emotions mein milavat!

Something as simple as a 'Do you love me?', would make my sense of reasoning work overtime and stop me from replying to that, even if I was dying to. Though its rare to come across people who say, feel, speak and express with honesty these day, even if I had comes across someone like that, I'm sure my left logic monkey head wouldn't have let me be.

People my age, plan and get into relationships. Don't need to go far away, I am a living example of that. I tried to plan love and relationships. I tried 'knowing him first and then decide if I was compatible with him.' But no, it doesn't work for me. I don't understand planning in the areas where heart is involved. I don't believe long distance relationships don't work because if that was true, kids wouldn't have stayed away from parents, spouse wouldn't have moved away to earn for their families. Love between a girl and a boy is as strong as love in any relationship. How can distances separate you from your loved ones? In trying to be like everyone else, I lost that individual belief but now I have concluded, my original beliefs were true. Distances or no distances, love remains if it really has to.

Either I can think or I can love. Both can never go hand in hand. And why should they? Are relationships like business deals? Crack hui to brilliant, nahi to koi nahi, aage badh jaayenge! I am any day comfortable in straight away committing to someone rather than being in two minds and taking chances.

* * *

Even today when mamma calls and coaxes me to try coming to USA, I give her reasons for why shouldn't I be doing that. I tell her, 'Mere career ka kya? What kind of direction do I give to my life? Yeah, I'll come to USA somehow, lekin uske baad kya?' And she understands and we change the topic. And this repeats every on every second call.

Career... at the cost of what? I have a great extended family, I have more freedom than most girls get to see or experience but I have to listen to my mum cry on every phone call. I have to listen to ma and Vini speak to me on the phone, see me on the webcam and imagine how or what they must be doing. When mum puts me on hold and talks to her or dadda, the whole scene materialises in front of me, right from what they would be wearing, how things must be placed in the house, where they all must be sitting to what they have cooked for dinner. I listen to ma make plans about coming to India, getting me married and then taking me away with her. Do I have any other option other than listening, imagining and assuming? I don't even get my daily doses of huggs, neither the kisses nor the pecks or cuddles!!!!!!!!!!! I don't even get to sit in dadda's lap, neither do I get to crack jokes with vini or gang up against ma!!!

If only I had a magic wand...

She cried despite the comfort of her dad's lap and strong arms. She wanted to break into a flurry but broke down instead. She was 5. She had been through this even last year. Her dad sang the lullabys longer than usual, wiped off the tears while she shamelessly cried and howled, cajoled her with her favourite candy floss, whispered promises into her ears until she dreamt and finally slept.

She loved the candles. They brought her hope and many warm memories. Every night she would light one and say a small prayer. The dad would wait patiently at her door, listening to the "prayer of wishes". Sometimes he would smile, sometimes just stare at her earnest face and sometimes pray along with her.

They had learnt to live or lets say they had to learn to live. One year without the lady of the house had not been enough for either to cope with the loss but he woke up to life and surrendered to practicality because he knew he had his daughter to take care of.

Every day of the last one year had been trying for him. He had two roles to perform. He had to wake her up in the morning and take her to the loo, help her brush, put her on the commode, help her with the routine, wait until she was done, fill her bath tub, undress her and let her play while he ran inside the kitchen to make their breakfast, run back to her, dry her, dress her up, feed her and wait with her until the school bus took her away, come back, eat in a hurry while trying to dress up and rushing into the busy office hours.

The evening were just as busy. He had to help her with the homework, answer her endless questions while he readied dinner for both, sing her lullabys, tip-toe out of her room to finally relax, undress and cosy up inside his bed, with thoughts of past and one lingering question: 'How could she manage it?'.

Only if he knew, only if he could find her, only if he could answer her little girl. He had tried hard to locate her and had failed miserably. He had slowly started believing that it was his fault why she wasn't with him anymore. He conjured up a million reasons why she had walked out on him. He had found comfort in condemning himself. Where else could the comfort come from? He knew he would never experience bliss again because bliss was with her. He knew he had a daughter to take care of and he couldn't afford another life, hopes, cries and misery. So he lived on, raising his li'l one with all the love and selflessness.

One year had gone by but not without realisation. It was days and months collated together by memories that were attached to every corner of the house, every place in the city, in pictures, in talks, in his daughter's eyes and laughter.

Today was her daughter's birthday and like last year she had waited for her mum to turn up and give her a surprise. Her innocent and anxious face gave one more reason to condemn himself. Afterall he was the one who had made her believe that mum was away, busy with work and would definitely come for her birthday. And like last year when she didn't turn up and his daughter demanded for her, he had no answers, just lots of random gifts in a hope to compensate for her mother's absence.

The daughter was stubborn. She bunked school and stayed home not wanting to miss meeting her mum in case she was away. Her dad missed office too and stayed back home to watch her wait. And when the evening came and her dad lit up the candles on the cake, she felt a load in the pit of her stomach, the unknown unexplicable feeling and the only way she could express was through anger and cries. He picked her up in his arms and sat himself on the rocking chair. He held her close while she weeped and complained. He recalled her last years birthday and prepared himself for this day for many more years to come. He somehow convinced her that mum would be here for her next but at the back of his mind an ambiguous 'for how long?' trailed off...

Coffee Conversations and more

It is 5 am when Gar's granny opens her bedroom door. "Are you mad girl?"
Ugh uh Gar thought... She whispered into the cell phone, "Hang on." and putting the cell phone face down looked at her granny. "Hmmm..", she muttered trying to sound sleepy, unable to open her eyes.
"Kiske saath lagi padi hai itni raat ko?"
Being dramatic is in Gar's blood. She puts up an even bigger act, "Hmmm.. kya? Phone? What are you saying?"
Gran mutters a few pata-nahi-itni-raat-ko-kiske-saath-lagi-hui-hai type sentences and leaves the room.

Gar speaks into the phone, "Phew... Stupid female!!!!"
"Ha ha ha ha ha ha...", came a very stifled and a hollow laughter from the other side of the phone.
"And now my gran thinks I have a boyfriend!", Gar whispered into the phone, "Chal, lets sleep now... Shit! Can you believe its 5 am!! I just din't realise man... "
"Hee hee neither did I. Yeah lets sleep.. Are we meeting tomorrow?", asked the voice.
"Yeah, we should right? Otherwise it will be another week before we can see each other.", replied Gar.
"Yeah see ya tomorrow then. Goodnight baby."
"Goodnight!"



Yet another lazy Sunday evening. Gar is with her 5 am conversation best bud Vidya sitting at a Barista scrolling through the menu, figuring out what to order.

"A skinny Mocha for me please.", says Gar to the waiter.
Vidya gives her infamous 'rolled-eyes' look and says to the waiter, "Make it two."
They sit themselves in a corner. Gar puts on her typical cafe-behaviour which is to remove her shoes and wrap her legs with her hands and rest her head sideways and close her eyes. Vidya waits until she is finished and says, "I guess I ovulated just now."
"How can you tell?"
"It's the pain... a different kind of pain. I can tell", says Vidya.
"Brilliant.. I can never remember my term dates."
"Well, you have peaceful periods anyway. You don't have to worry."
"Yeah.. :) touchwood!"
Gar is half lying on the couch. She looks away and scans the room. Her swaying vision is concentrating on nothing particular. Suddenly she recollects something she has to tell Vidya.
"You know what happened today? While I was coming to pick you up? This bloody richshaw wala bumped into me and c@#$%#! shouted at me for no reason!"

"And what was your reaction?"
"You think I won't shout back huh? I shouted back man... He he.. he was scared.. but saala richshaw mein se chilla raha tha.. bada mard ban raha tha!" Gar is upright, animated, excited and hyper. Vidya listens to her story with the same calm and composure like she is meditating on Gar's story. She has stopped flinching at Gar's swear-filled conversations. Afterall, it's been ten years since they first met.
It's Vidya's turn to pick on some other topic. She chooses Gar's latest crush, Jigar. "Did he call?"
"No and I don't think he will."
"Why?", inquired Vidya.
"Because I have a hunch he is not serious. He is just playing around. And I don't think I want to know him more."
"But if he called you after leaving the city it means he is interested doesn't it?"
The skinny mochas arrive and Gar pours one sugar into each cup, stirs and speaks at the same time.

"Well he is interested I know. But in what I don't. And I am in no mood to test my own feelings. I am pretty much settled and need a settled person to be with. Not the 'Lets see how this works types'."
"But you never know. It might just click. What's the harm in giving it a shot?", suggests Vidya.
"Give what a shot? It isn't like he has left the city and is texting me he misses me. It is nothing like what normal people to when they are beginning to fall in love. "

"But he's said he likes you.", says Vidya

"Like is a very vague word honey.", says Gar and as an afterthought adds, "I am better off being on my own."
"Right. And you have me, you definitely don't need anyone", adds Vidya
"Yes..ha ha.. my secret boyfriend", winks Gar and they both giggle away over cups of coffee.


Gar reaches home just after 9 pm. She goes to the kitchen to make rotis for her when her granny asks, "Kaun tha 5 baje raat ko?"

"Mulle ki daud mazjid tak dadi. Kaun ho sakta hai?", Gar answered while rolling out the dough on the chapati slab.

"Vidya? You silly girls. Pura din kam hota hai jo raat ko 5 baje phone par lage hote ho."Gars' dadi is beyond surprised!

"We both are busy na. And today was a sunday so we thought we could just make use of time."

"Isse to achha yehi hota ke tum dono boyfriends bana lete." Said the granny and went into the living room. Gar whispered very softly after her, "Uska to hai!" and spread some butter on her roti while she does a giggle-smile and quickly texts Vidya updating her about what just happened.

Garima

They all gawked at the TV. Jack Sparrow swaggered and ranted in his heavy accent. All but Garima stared at the TV screen. After all she was in a household that gorged on soap operas. Sensing the impatience, Garima got up to go upstairs. Her aunt shouted behind her, 'Ruk ja...' and her voice trailed off. Garima looked at her and realized the maid had just mopped the stairs. She still climbed on and heard her aunt whispering to the maid about how mindless she was. It was nothing new, Gar had known her aunt long enough to mind her back biting but this particular day it irritated. It was a Sunday and Gar was in any mood but to listen to her aunt's 'hows, what-to-do's and various other everyday rules. She switched on the tele and closed the room.

Pirates cooled off her head. She took a power nap and went downstairs to eat her lunch. She slept off again. At 5 she was woken up for chai. While sipping her cuppa, her periphery vision told her that as usual her aunt was staring at her legs. It occurred to her then, that she was wearing shorts. Ugh uh- she thought. But she had learnt to neglect stares from her aunt as well.

She was planning to go out when the mobile rang. It was some family friends who were coming over for a visit.

'Can't you change into a pajama?'

'It's very hot.'

'But you're 25! What will you do when you get married? Tabhi bhi ghar par shorts pehenkar ghumegi? Ab ladki nahi hai tu. Aurat ban chuki hai!'

'What? Aurat, Ladki what? Main 25 saal ki l-a-d-k-i hun. And whats the harm in wearing shorts?'

'Tere umar ki kaunsi ladki shorts pehenti hai?'

'Main pehenti hun. Aur kisiko dikhane ke liye nahi. I'm comfortable so I wear it. And about being an aurat.. sab dimaag mein hai.'

There was silence. The aunt gave up.. like always because she was not used to listening to things as and how they were. Garima went into a verbal diarrhea with her alter ego about the kind of people she was living with and left the room.