An after thought..

This one is in continuation to my previous post. As I read through it something about communicating right struck me. So I'm wondering aloud.

Although communication at all levels is important, it requires greater attention when you meet people like the one's who I referred to in my previous blog. What can be their reasons for being naive? Either they are poor with words or they have reservations about how to communicate with who. It is also possible that they have a straight conversation only when they feel they need to be formal. It can be anything but what is the best way to handle such statements? Should you be sarcastic, rude or witty? Or should you simply smile because thats a helpful gesture if you know how to use it diplomatically...

Aap to hamein yaad hi nahi karte..

It used to annoy me when someone who dint know me that well, hardly met me, and spoke only once every few months say something like - 'Bade log ho gaye ho aap to' and even worse 'Bade bhaav badh gaye hain aapke'. I used to be revert back with something like - ' I did not call you but did you? When we decide to make time for each other why not be pleasant to each other? '

I tried explaining the same to one of my school friends who not only said this but also stretched it into an argument. Irritating as it is to give explanations, it also became necessary to make him understand. Isn't saying a huge hello, giving a big hug/smile and catching up on lost time much better and more productive than accusing? He nodded his head and said the next time I would find him different. And yes I surely did. We spoke around 6 months after that and guess what he said - 'Aap to hamein yaad hi nahi karte'!!! Ugh uh...

Her perfect world

She was not waiting for her ideal man to arrive. But he did come along. Love did intoxicate her. She was living a dream. She built her life around him, his ideals, his desires. She loved him regardless of boundaries, of distances, of anything that could possibly weaken her faith in him. She found inspiration in his aspirations. She was glad they both understood the importance of space and freedom. There was not a speck of doubt why this association wouldn't work out.

What she failed to notice was their different set of fundamentals. The paths they chose were way too parallel to meet. He was striving everyday to be on the top, alone. She wanted to attain all her goals with him around. He was strong headed. She was an idealist. He had built his life around work. She built hers around him. He longed for someone to care. She knew how to love selflessly. He said she'd changed him. She'd believed it. He wanted to love her on his terms. She hated being bounded. She rebelled. He withdrew and her perfect world was torn to pieces.

She picked the pieces up and prioritised her life again. She has moved on in a big way. The ideal man is replaced by career. She sees things with more clarity now but refraines from expressing it. However strained she might be, she never comes across as depressed because the innocence is still alive in her. The kid is still inside her. She smiles from the heart, she laughs her lungs out. She has friends who love her and tell her so. Wise as this all may sound, the forceful transition has benumbed her.

The jolt has been an eye opener. She has got what she lacked in oodles - her self esteem. She stands with her arms wide open to welcome life again. She is ready for a fresh start. But is she ready for what is on offer? She understands compassion, but doesn't that exist in all the relationships. Is it to be love as in between a man and woman that she needs to get into? Is she even ready for it? No, maybe never again. She is not seeking love and if at all she is.. she is looking for it in wrong places. And the worst of all... she knows IT.

My workplace

I work as a content writer in a call centre. Ours is the only process which doesn't involve tele-selling. Being the odd one's out, we have been allotted a secluded corner in the office which during the day shift becomes an interesting place to be in. Some come in to cry their tragic life stories out. All the dehydrated-under-pressure-and-not-able-to-cope-up kinds faint and come in to rest. Almost all of them are acompanied by their TL or a friend.

The best are the time when managers gather their teams and give them a performance evaluation. The telling off for poor performers is fun to listen to. It becomes even more interesting as the entire conversation is in gujarati. The typicality of the language adds a comic flavor to it.

TL's and managers are to their employees what strict teachers are to the mischief makers. Everytime I listen to them I get this 'back to school' feeling. Stern as they may be, they do smile occasionally much to their employees relief. Just a while ago some new guy was appointed a TL. From the teams reaction it felt like they were happy to get rid of the previous one.. whoever he was! There was some laughter, some applause, some even had the audacity to crack jokes in front of their manager.

Our little 'ascendum' has seen a lot.. he he he

Co-incidence or a sign?

For some unknown reason I downloaded MJ's songs yesterday and day before. Today, yahoo tells me he is dead. Had it not been for my spiritual keenness, I wouldn't have a given a thought to what seems like a co-incidence.

He did tell me theres nothing like co-incidences. There are signs everywhere.. you just need to develop your senses to identify them.

I am sure many like me must have unknowingly remembered Michael and must be taken aback by the news of his demise today. The collective conscience of the world is so powerful that once you become sensitive to it you start seeing how one person's(here Michael's) vibrations can send ripples in the entire pool of the unconscious.

Michael Rest In Peace.

Roz poochti hai khush hun ke nahi. Uski aankhen bhi soojh gayi hongi rote rote. Kya kahun main ke kaise har din ek ladai hai galat soch ke khilaf. Kya zindagi hai... Jab duniyadaari ki samajh nahi thi tab sab saath the. Aur ab.. sab kuch chhut ta ja raha hai.

This too shall pass...

Today he puts an end to a very old friendship. Old it is, time wise not fondness wise. He doesn't speak about it but he feels it deep inside. He is an innocent man and has learnt to live with betrayals and deceits over a long span of time.

He cannot teach filth to anyone when he has always practiced purity and compassion. These days God has stopped making men like him.

Reckon it is time to resort to no explanations again...

Talk to the Sun

Sounds weird? Well that’s one of the things G taught me at SM. My morning walks were the most rerfreshing. Imagine the yogic stroll near the banks of Ganges. In the winters when the sun is not so severe, when its rays hit the water illuminating the mountains. Everyday there was something fresh about the mystic combination of sun, mountains and the Ganga.

The pic here is of the sunrise at Thor at 5:30 am. The closest to the sunrise I experienced everyday at SM.

G and me

Always at some point of life we come across people, places or things which influence us deeply. Sadhana Mandir is one such place and G is one such MBO(mind body organism) in my life, thinking of who re-instates my faith in the existence of selfless human beings.

I dedicated a lot of time to myself undoing the old and making space for the new. I reckon getting rid of trash on a regular basis is a must. My experience at SM helped me do that. I once talked about Utility Chamber as a place where I could face things the way they were and let go of them. SM is better than that. Today when I close my eyes I can smell Sadhana Mandir, feel the tranquil surroundings, and listen to the gurgling of the Ganga outside the ashram.

When I learnt to meditate, I had a challenge gauging the effects of it. Possibly because I was trying to relax in an already serene and a pious environment (I am talking about the ashram I had learnt it at). But today when I go into Shavasan after a day’s work, I feel a wave of relaxation sweeping through and I recall G's words. He'd told me he was building in me strong tissue memories. The way they have been engraved in my mind, these tissue memories help me stay connected with what I hold in the highest light, the process of living in the world yet above it.

Yesterday when I sat down with dad to meditate and began de-conditioning, I re-did a lot of things. It was like the scene from Unfaithful where Connie (Diane Lane) thinks about the first time she meets Paul (Oliver Martinez) by chance and gets into this 'What-if I had not gone upstairs with him for coffee' mode. For me it was a conscious effort to undo all the entangled thoughts and surrender them to the Divine One.

G reconditioned me, transformed me and brought me closer to the Nidhi I once was, the Nidhi I had lost somewhere, the Nidhi that should be, the Nidhi that is. I cannot thank G for he won’t take that. I remember he believes in delayed gratifications. And that would happen only when I ‘build my life around Sadhana and not otherwise’.

Ha so ironical

Case 1 : Indians spend loads of money on overseas degrees... why? Because of the prestige a foreign university brings. Now if it was that good then why dont the locals study and get degrees from these universities? Why is it that most of them drop out from colleges or dont go to universities at all?

Whose stupid? Us, who spend lakhs and lakhs of rupees for studying overseas, yearning to get degrees from these 'prestigious universities' because of the credibility they have in our home countires or the people who have lived all their life here and have never considered getting 'professional degrees.' 

Case 2 : If long distance relations dont really work, then why spend so much on international calls talking to parents and friends?  The bonds with friends and families grow stronger once you go away from them and the relations with your companion(supposedly to-be) grows weak... 

Rather ironical comparing the importance of and the duration one is expected to stay with each of them... being with the companion the longest.!!!

Case 3 :  All the non-resident praja staying in foren land never wants to come back. 

Reason no 1 : There is noone to question their accountability. They are free to wear jeans and 'tisurt', their kids speak englisss with proper american accent and when they come back to India they leave no one from knowing that they are foreign returned!

The irony comes in when these desparately seek for their own replicas in foren lands claiming that is their only way to keeping in touch with the roots.

 

Venting out..

One of the few drafts written when the head had given up thinking. Written during one of those times when there was no one but this webpage to share my thoughts with. It was put away for reasons I don't remember now. But its out now because the phase has passed and passed for good.

Back from the long 'no-blogging' phase. Theres loads to write about, to update all my blog-followers, if there are any!!

Constantly for the last 4 months I have been wanting to blog. But somehow my thoughts turn out to be too personal to be penned down. With emotions taking its toll it has been very difficult to pull my thoughts together and write down some piece that can be understood by all. I am sure a stable-state-of-mind is required to write a good piece. Lately, I have been suffering from a severe 'writers block'. I have brooded too long on the idea of whether I should write what I want to or should resort to the easy way out, succumb to loneliness, bottle up inside and let the moment pass.

I guess the writer in me wins. I let it win or else this virtual place is no good.

Until october 2007, I lived in two worlds. My world and the world that everyone warns you about. The reasons are quite apparent. I come from a very protected and straight forward middle-class family. I am strongly-rooted, very traditional, conservative yet very modern. Everything that I am used to seeing in my household is transparent, straight forward and simple. My dad is very basic in thoughts and so am I. We are used to that. But the problems began when I started to think that the whole world was like that; straight and simple.

Until an year back, I had the same thoughts. Isliye jabhi bhi kuch galat hua to I asked dad, "Aapne bataya kyun nahi ke sab hamare jaise nahi hain?" I cried silently and asked him why did he not warn me about all this? Why did he raise me up in such a protective environment? Dint he know what was waiting outside? Or he thought his daughter would never have had to go through any of it. He tells me I have seen too much at a very early age. Trust me dadda, its not pleasant. I have fought with ma pa everytime I have had to deal with some unpleasant situation. I have asked them a million times ke hum kya yeh sab karna aaye hain? Jo hamare paas hai uske peeche to saari duniya bhaagti hai, fir hum kyun use chodkar un cheezon ke peeche bhaag rahe hain jismein saari duniya fasi hui hai? Zaruri kya hai? Khushi? Woh to thi na.. jab hum sab saath mein the.

I think a drawback of todays generation is that we have a lot of virtual, bookish(these days e-bookish) knowledge, good enough to get us through inteliigent conversations, but it doesnt get us any far once we are in the situation. Reading in the books is different, experiencing it is totally different. There have been times when I have gone hoarse crying... when I have looked up at the ceiling and questioned that unknown power that how long is this gonna continue for? Like millions of others I have sobbed and weeped and asked 'why me?'

When I meet people who have vague ideas about whats happened to me, their questions surprise me, their coldness and ignorance numbs me with shock. People as close as cousins who are sarcastic, make faces and look at this situation as the right opportunities to tell me what they feel exactly about what happened. Its their opportunity to say 'serves you right'. And it leaves me wordless.

Everytime someone asked me to leave the house, I automatically compared the whole thinig to the way I was in my city. I always ask myself what have come here for? Studies? Then why am I not performing? Bitter encounters with people has made me so skeptical, its impossible to say whether I like anything completely or not. I dont feel a need to voice my opinions neither being judgemental about anything. I am just ok, my life is ok and I am glad as long as it remains that way. I never said I loved roller coster rides!!!