I am predicting this is how the coming weekend will be.

I am mulling over everything these days. Nothing is perfect. And damn! Am such a split personality. The red N(I name it so because she likes everythng red) is outgoing, cranky, goofy and wicked! The other N is nice and likeable. The other N however will be lost somewhere this weekend or thats what I am guessing. Reason number one- Dad will be gone by thursday night!! He is flying back to Chicago on Thursday night. Ugh uh! I hate to think of what will I do after that. Who will wake me up at half six every morning? Shit! Noooo! Please dont go! I am sure I am gonna cry at the airport! eeks nooooo thats what I don't want to do!!! And reason number two - Diwali is here and all my family members will be leaving for Delhi on Sunday for seven days! Thats seven friggin' days of having the 4 bedroom-3 bath-1balcony -veranda-and-kitchen house all to myself! I am dreading that seriously! Being all on my own after dad leaves is a bad idea! But guess I just have to live with it!

I have absolutely no idea about what I shall be doing then. I am only predicting the morning will be routine. It has not changed ever since I restarted my yog sessions. And I am happy that I will be busy for most of the morning. What do I do after having my breakfast? Yes breakfast.. I am not having the usual poha/upma/mamre and chai for sure! It will be sprouts and cereals or papaya until the head of the kitchen takes over which isn't before the Sunday after next! Then I will go online and do the usual orkut/fb/messenger prowling. I am wishing I meet lots of friends online.. which is useless wishing because Sunday mornings they usually disappear! If I don't find them I am gonna shut the idiot box off and switch on the other idiot thing on. Flip channels, flip more channels, flip even more channels and I'd be bored with that too! So what next? Lunch of course! I have no idea what I shall be cooking or whether I'd be cooking at all. I guess I'll fast for my puppy fat's sake. Let it use itself. I'll be doing myself a little charity. Then I am going to doze off(If I can on an empty stomach). And no second thoughts on that. The longer I sleep the better. I am wishing no one rings the doorbell and no freaking idiot calls/texts me. Evening will be spent at A's place. Thats what I am looking forward to in my lonely Sunday!!!

PS : The red N is wondering if spending Sunday at A's place is a better idea. The other N reminds her of the wardrobe that needs cleaning and maid who needs to be suprvised while she is doing the cleaning. Ugh uh!!!

Wording my fear, concern and anger

I have been itching to say this.

To all who drink and smoke as if they were immortal souls. Who think parties are incomplete without booze. Who spend at least ten percent of their earning buying cigarette packets. And who feel proud pampering their beer bellies. You guys might not be as unlucky as my friend who died of cardiac arrest last month. Reason: years of smoking, eating manikchand and drinking everyday and conveniently ignoring high cholesterol blood reports. But then you are neither glorified versions of superman or he-man. You are as susceptible to cancer and any such fatal disease as anyone else is. You can land up in a hospital, be put on a ventilator or go into coma. You wouldn't know what happens then, you wont be in the senses to even know about yourself. But remember there are people who are planning to call you, chat with you or merely thinking of you.

Is it so difficult to understand that life is precious and living it right is important? Are you so ignorant that you don't know why you are ill? How can you find comfort in people's sympathetic word and how on earth can you bloody pity yourself? Don't you take charge of your life? Is making a point to exercise early in the morning for an hour everyday a herculean task? Is a disciplined lifestyle so difficult to live? Why do you do things that spoil your mental and physical health, give thousands of rupees to doctors to get well only to fall sick again? Why is your attitude so slack towards your own life? If at 25 you have no direction in life then when will you? What are you waiting for? Another death? Maybe one of your parent or some other family member? I doubt you'd change even after that!!!

Popat!!!

The past month has not been that great. Work has been repetitive and slow. Very good friends have left for some or the other reason. Basically series of events which haven't given me enough time to revive and pull myself together. Events have taken place at lightening speed and I haven't really sat down and written about them. Honestly I din't want to. As always I am waiting for the effects of them to fade till they almost disappear or at least passive enough for me to recall.

But I am ok enough and today especially I am feeling happy. You know the general-no-reason-bas aiveyin sort of happiness. And that is making my head travel from here to there. I am chit chatting and cracking jokes, gratifying my guffaws after long and calling my friend weird names. One of them is Popat. Which is soo soo my favorite! How and why I do not know. But it sounds cool when I say it.

The words magical I tell you. Yesterday a friend from USA called. He couldn't here me as my voice kept breaking and I had to shout into the phone. Ultimately when he did not understand a single word I screamed 'Popatttt sunai nahi de raha kya!' into the phone and he heard it right! He he! Stupick him.

And its not just popat that I use often. It is one of the cute words which I use when I am in a 'good girl mood'. But for all other irritating, angry times, I have a list of adjectives which I gathered over years keeping friends with lunatics, dopers, smugglers and drug-dealers. Hee haw haw.. Kidding! But yeah.. I do have a bad mouth, which turns fouler as tempers rise and voices go higher. It would be treacherous if I spell them here.

I'd rather have someone hear them.. Until next fight, I am enriching myself! Contendors anyone?

Not every incidence can be penned down in words. Not every frame of mind can become a status on orkut or facebook. Not everything be discussed and repeated about. Whats the need? My loss is mine, his is his and theirs is theirs. None can be compared. But all linger...

Some absences are irreplaceable.

Silence is not a choice then. It is the only way...

Rest in peace Jaan.

You sure are naughty missy. Cunning carrot that you are. Sigh. Anyway. Until you pour again let me write about something else.

Umm.. anything interesting that happened between yesterday and today...ummm...yesss.

I met D yesterday evening after work. The last I met her was in UK. Everytime I see her, I am amazed by her no-change. I mean one year in UK and I am so many kilos overweight and look at her! She is as slim as ever and she's been there like forever. It isn't like she is on a diet, she never has been. She is the same D I saw first at the dance classes. Petite and graceful.

So I met her yesterday. And we went to cafe coffee day and chatted about what not. Her trip to south and my work. How seven of her family members almost drowned while bathing in Narmada(sounds scary yeah!) to my new found interest in cosmetics and how I have been spending to much on footwear these days. She also complimented me on my new hairstyle. Isn't she too sweet!

Surprisingly though we did not discuss the old times, the few people who always always are remembered in our conversations. We did not talk about A(her aashique) neither about any of my fans(hee hee :P). We were both too engrossed living in the present. Talking about each other. Knowingly unknowingly it was a change from our usual girl-talk and it felt great catching up with her. Forgot to tell you, she is here on holidays and will leave soon. Such a sweetheart that she is. Made time to meet up with me despite of her 'tight' schedule. She is out of town now and wil return by the 16th. And then she'll have just two days here. Hey but by then D(another of my gang member) must have arrived. And then it will be party time for us!! Me, D, D and Aditi. Aah what will not go right? Probably everything! Hee hee :p.

PS : D said I look thinner! And dint she just made my day!

The upside of being single

Hey back? Well I din't go anywhere. Hmm.. kya karein.. mausam hi aisa hai. Bheeni bheeni mitti ki khushbu, ghane badal and my sooooo personal virtual place. Hell yeah! I will never stop writing. Ahem, anyway. The previous post was all about recognizing singles. This one will talk about why be single.

I have read a lot of websites which write about what I'm writing about. They all start off with tell tales of singlehood being great. The best time to develop great bonds with friends and families which are forgotten conveniently when you're all gooey gooey and sugary sugary with your sweetie pie. But these get-paid-to-write websites have a major flaw. They quickly drift towards coaxing singles to mingle. I mean hello! That is sooooo not fair! You are just breaking the conduct by giving the very advice. Agreed there are lots of desperate, single-by-force kinda lunatics around. But what about the one's I just described in the previous blog? They ain't looking for anyone? They are innocent little souls who are so comfortable and content with their straight life.

No worries all you my-types. Come hither. I shall pep you up with some real, believable, tangible facts about the upside of being single.

The biggest advantage of being single is you lie lot less than what you would have if you were with someone. Dont believe me? See it for yerself. Do you worry about what excuse to make because its weekend and you have to go for a party with your guy? No right? You merrily tell mamma that your going out with friends and they are coming to pick you up.

Do you conjure up aunts and uncles of your friends who have broken their legs, are in hospitals and wont be able to survive if your friend dint go see them. And just then her bike broke down so you had to accompany her. Phew! Strings of lie that just flow when your blinded by that thing.. Now tell me all you singles out there? Don't you feel good about being honest to your parents for a change? It sure does right? Good then lets move onto the next up-per.

Ok when was the last you threw a pyjama party and were not disurbed by phone calls? From your darling ofcourse..dah! Been long yeah? And in that time you've transitioned from the-girl-in-love to the-hot-single-in-demand? Then its time you got your stuff out of the attic(if you haven't grown fat that is), rung your squeaky girl-friends and did a sleep over for good. I mean what fun being total b$%*hes. Take it from me it is a world of different experience. You discover each one of your girl in a new way. You suddenly realize how much they have changed and ugh uh.. how you failed to notice all of that. And the best is you are now absolutely one among them. Todally todally their friend. Imagine the bliss you feel being an active member of the 'gang' and the bliss they feel 'having you back'? Simply undescribable.Yay.

It's apparent though why you see more, do more and think more about your girls. Its because all your mind is inside you. It isn't lurking in a little corner peeping sneakily into your guy's fag stick, nor is it bothered about his whereabouts. And yeah this one I forgot to mention - your girl gang is happy with you because now you dont interrupt the intense gossip sessions because your darling was missing you at 3 in the morning and he called 'just to let you know'! Wow.. imagine the number of people you're pleasing? Isn't that just too cool?

What next? Umm.. I'll be a little cheezy and get inspired by the get-paid-to-write writerrrs. Hee hee.. I know I know! I did criticze them. But hey! I said they do the coaxing a bit too quickly. I never said they were wrong did I? hee hee. So here's the last up-per of being single from me via get-to-paid-writers to you.

It feels like christmas came a bit too early? And you are busy painting the town red, giggling and chuckling with your girls, buying gifts for each other. You're going around window gazing, happy to wear all the lovely hats and just then you spot that cute, dimpled, blue-eyed creature from mars at the corner buying some crackers! His curly bunch of hair, oh so sexieee! His amazing side-locks take your breath away and yay! A switch turns on somewhere and you smile to yourself and look away and look back again. Thats a familiar ticklish feeling somewhere right? For the time being you so not in the single's league. And yes thats the biggest up-per only the singles get to relish owing to their not so pre-occupied minds. They can listen to their hearts, and follow it too. And theirs will be a fantastic happy ending.

Now you see my dearies.. Love doesn't come with a warning. Its like Neo(from the movie series Matrix) who enters effortlessly into A smith. Without a warning, least bothered about choices. And when it leaves again, mark my words, this post will make a lot of sense.

Are you single? Find it out here...

Yay! I am almost 24, not that bad looking, witty and intelligent too(People say that, honest!). Yet I am single and umm employed. You must be wondering whats the connection? Hang in there people.. will come to that sooner. For now read on to find out the whats and hows of 'singles'.

When I say 'single', I mean really single. I mean if you are reading this post and a face just popped up in front of you or if you've a little crush here and you flirt a bit there then dearie, apologies to break the news, you're NOT 'single'.

Single are the one's whose minds are empty. A todal vacuum. You know what I mean by a vaccuum right? I mean she ain't worried about what to wear(read it as - what he would like her to wear), she doesn't keep shooting glances at their mobile phone(because just any minute their sweetheart would call), she doesn't listen to soft romantic numbers and drift into a dreamy haze and when she says she is bored, she is really bored.

Yay, I could recognize i-aint-seeing-anyone person from a distance. Its easy trust me. She is always surrounded by a mix of boys and girls, she ain't glued to her mobile phone and the best of all - there are no read-between-the lines in her facial expressions. When she says she is going home after work, she is actually going home. When she replies late to text messages and say its because the cell was in other room and she was in other, believe her. Believe her when she says she is not thinking anything despite of the lost expression on her face. There are all the chances her mum din't let her buy a new shade of nail paint or more likely she is cursing her college mate and plotting to kill her.

Are you dating and your best friend is not? Even better. Trust me trust me. In those dark, painful hours, if you're not going great guns with your sweetheart you can rely on her. Guaranteed she'll be a great counsellor. Why i'll tell you. 1) She doesn't have experiences behind her to relate to while she listens to your crap, ahem ahem I mean your broken love tale. Hence no question of being biased 2) if you're among those sensible ones who believe in 'sorting out by talking out', she'll listen to both ov your sides and will be sane enough to boil down to a reasonable solution and 3) she is single. It says lots. She has all the time in the world to listen to your rants. Honestly, if you ask me she is the best punching bag you'd find. Cry in front of her, crib too.. she wont mind, she just wont mind.(atleast she wont show you so!) awww can't blame her can you?

Oh and I todally forgot to tell you all the importance of being employed while you're 'not with someone'. The most obvious thing that comes to the head about going to work while single is that work keeps you busy. Yeah all must have heard this famous line 'I work alot because it keeps my mind from wandering'. And its true too. You go to work, you meet your colleagues, you interact with your boss, I mean there isn't much time to mull over singlehood(if at all you're single by force.) I mean look at me, I have a wonderful colleague. She and me in our cozy little den sit and work and listen to music. What more can you ask fer people? Oh yeah.. and if your HR manager is as cool as ours and your process head is as young and interesting as ours then you surely surely would know why being employed makes singlehood a state to stay in. Days just float by, time just flies. Work comes, then more of it comes and then suddenly there's a gap when we loaf around, have longer tea and lunch breaks than allowed(:P), catch up on world happening (read gossip); courtesy our HR manager - N, :p. Until there is work to do again.. and life just passes by like a smooth sailing river.

Hmmm.. while I savour the feeling of freedom go take a pee break.

but do come back for more!

Baarish Mubarak ho

Back again writing about my sweetheart- The Ultimate Mood Reviver - A big round of applause ladies and gentleman; please welcome Miss Monsoon!! This morning I received a happy text which said 'It finally rained. Baarish mubarak ho.' yay! do you see the stir you have managed to make miss? For heaven's sake people are sending texts talking about your arrival! Now stay ok. Don't be like that carrot that hangs itself in front of a hungry rabbit. Let us all enjoy a bit of no sunshine. We've had enough of it in the past few months.

While we enjoy our chai's at kitlis and chat over garma garam dal wadas you might go do another round of drizzle here and mizzle there. C'mon honey.. you've just begun to pour. Bring the real you on. You know we've waited for you long!

An after thought..

This one is in continuation to my previous post. As I read through it something about communicating right struck me. So I'm wondering aloud.

Although communication at all levels is important, it requires greater attention when you meet people like the one's who I referred to in my previous blog. What can be their reasons for being naive? Either they are poor with words or they have reservations about how to communicate with who. It is also possible that they have a straight conversation only when they feel they need to be formal. It can be anything but what is the best way to handle such statements? Should you be sarcastic, rude or witty? Or should you simply smile because thats a helpful gesture if you know how to use it diplomatically...

Aap to hamein yaad hi nahi karte..

It used to annoy me when someone who dint know me that well, hardly met me, and spoke only once every few months say something like - 'Bade log ho gaye ho aap to' and even worse 'Bade bhaav badh gaye hain aapke'. I used to be revert back with something like - ' I did not call you but did you? When we decide to make time for each other why not be pleasant to each other? '

I tried explaining the same to one of my school friends who not only said this but also stretched it into an argument. Irritating as it is to give explanations, it also became necessary to make him understand. Isn't saying a huge hello, giving a big hug/smile and catching up on lost time much better and more productive than accusing? He nodded his head and said the next time I would find him different. And yes I surely did. We spoke around 6 months after that and guess what he said - 'Aap to hamein yaad hi nahi karte'!!! Ugh uh...

Her perfect world

She was not waiting for her ideal man to arrive. But he did come along. Love did intoxicate her. She was living a dream. She built her life around him, his ideals, his desires. She loved him regardless of boundaries, of distances, of anything that could possibly weaken her faith in him. She found inspiration in his aspirations. She was glad they both understood the importance of space and freedom. There was not a speck of doubt why this association wouldn't work out.

What she failed to notice was their different set of fundamentals. The paths they chose were way too parallel to meet. He was striving everyday to be on the top, alone. She wanted to attain all her goals with him around. He was strong headed. She was an idealist. He had built his life around work. She built hers around him. He longed for someone to care. She knew how to love selflessly. He said she'd changed him. She'd believed it. He wanted to love her on his terms. She hated being bounded. She rebelled. He withdrew and her perfect world was torn to pieces.

She picked the pieces up and prioritised her life again. She has moved on in a big way. The ideal man is replaced by career. She sees things with more clarity now but refraines from expressing it. However strained she might be, she never comes across as depressed because the innocence is still alive in her. The kid is still inside her. She smiles from the heart, she laughs her lungs out. She has friends who love her and tell her so. Wise as this all may sound, the forceful transition has benumbed her.

The jolt has been an eye opener. She has got what she lacked in oodles - her self esteem. She stands with her arms wide open to welcome life again. She is ready for a fresh start. But is she ready for what is on offer? She understands compassion, but doesn't that exist in all the relationships. Is it to be love as in between a man and woman that she needs to get into? Is she even ready for it? No, maybe never again. She is not seeking love and if at all she is.. she is looking for it in wrong places. And the worst of all... she knows IT.